YOU’VE GOT MAIL!

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: IT’S BAAACK!

Horrible news. The toupee is back. We were sitting in the breakfast nook this morning, eating our cornflakes and bananas when the doorbell rang. It was the garbage man, with Daddy’s toupee in his hand.

“I’m sorry, Ma’am,” he said, “but we don’t take dead animals.”

Can you believe it? The ghastly thing keeps turning up like a bad penny. And now it’s worse than ever. Before, it just smelled of Lysol. But now, after sitting in the garbage can with Taffy’s cat food, it smells of Lysol AND tuna. Oh, honey. I’m simply at my wit’s end.

To: Shoptillyoudrop

From: Jausten

Hang in there, Mom. Daddy can’t possibly wear the wig, now that it’s been fermenting in the garbage.

To: Jausten

From: DaddyO

Subject: Great news!

Great news, pumpkin. I got my toupee back. It’s hard to believe that your mother would sink so low, but she actually threw it in the garbage. She admitted it. Said she’d do it all over again. But she won’t get the opportunity. From now on, that toupee never leaves my head. She claims I can’t possibly wear it, now that it’s been sitting in the garbage. But she’s wrong. I’ll just wash it in Woolite and tumble dry low and it’ll be good as new!

Your loving,

Daddy

PS. Here’s a cute joke:

What kind of coffee did they serve on the Titanic? Decaf!

To: DaddyO

From: Jausten

I seriously doubt your toupee is washable. Maybe you should make Mom happy and throw it away.

PS. Thanks for the joke, but I think the coffee on the Titanic is supposed to be Sanka. Because the ship sank. Get it?

To: Jausten

From: DaddyO

Subject: Are you sure?

Are you sure about that, honey? I don’t think they made Sanka back then.

Chapter Thirteen

The next morning, after catching up on the latest in Daddy’s toupee saga, I started hunting down blondes. First, I called Larkspur. Her machine picked up and told me to have “the best day ever” and to please leave a message. After promising to stop and smell the roses, I told her I needed to talk with her right away and to please get back to me as soon as possible.

Then I called Hal Kingsley’s office, hot on the trail of Blonde Number Two, Hal’s nurse Denise. Heidi said she thought Hal and Denise were having a thing together. I figured the only way I could observe the two of them in action was to make an appointment with the good doctor.

So I called and pretended I wanted the fat sucked out of my thighs. Of course, that was no lie. I did want the fat sucked out of my thighs; I just couldn’t afford the thousands of bucks Hal Kingsley charged to do it. I’d be lucky if I could afford the consultation fee. Considering that I still hadn’t been paid for the four days I worked for SueEllen, my bank balance was perilously low. Oh, well. I’d worry about that later. Right now, I needed to nose around Hal’s office.