To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: I knew I could count on you!

What a good idea. I’ll take Daddy for a walk on the beach. It’s always windy there. Thank you, darling! I knew I could count on you.

To: Shoptillyoudrop

From: Jausten

My pleasure, Mom. And by the way, my cat’s name is Prozac, not Zoloft, and my ex-husband is The Blob, not The Glob—although that has a nice ring to it, too.

To: Jausten

From: DaddyO

Subject: Positive Feedback

Hi, Pumpkin!

Hope everything is fine in sunny L.A.

I’m happy to report that I’m getting lots of positive feedback on my new toupee. Why, just this morning at the bank, the teller said she’d never in all her life seen hair quite like mine. I can’t wait to show it off at cousin Cindy’s wedding next week.

Your mother, however, is still making fun of it. She says it’s made from squirrel hair. Which is ridiculous. Because it says on the label that it’s made in Guam. And I don’t think they have squirrels in Guam, do they?

Got to run. Mom wants to go for a walk on the beach.

Your loving,

Daddy

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: Like a Dog with a Frisbee

Just back from the beach. It was very windy, and at first I thought everything was going to work out just fine. We hadn’t gone two steps, when the toupee flew off Daddy’s head. But he ran after it and caught it. The damn thing kept flying off, and he kept running after it and catching it. Like a dog with a frisbee. After a while, he gave up and put it in his pocket.

Of course, it got full of sand, and even though he’s shaken it out a million times, sand still keeps falling out of it. So now your father has the only toupee in the world with built-in dandruff.

To: Justen

From: DaddyO

Subject: Here’s a Cute One

Here’s a cute one for you, lambchop: What happens when you take Viagra and ExLax? You can’t tell which way you’re going!

To: DaddyO

From: Jausten

Daddy I think the punchline is supposed to be: You can’t tell if you’re coming or going.

To: Jausten

From: DaddyO

Are you sure? I thought it was funnier my way. I told it to the guys down at the clubhouse, and they couldn’t stop laughing. It’s amazing. Ever since I got my toupee, people find me so much more amusing than they used to. Sometimes they start laughing before I even finish my jokes.

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: The Most Marvelous Idea

I’ve just had the most marvelous idea. I know how to get rid of Daddy’s toupee. It’s all so simple, really.

Chapter Five

I drove over to SueEllen’s the next day, still trying to get used to the idea of Daddy with a dead squirrel on his head. I wondered what Mom’s latest plan was for getting rid of it. I only hoped it didn’t involve decapitation.