Prozac purred in my arms, doing her best to look adorable. Of course you’re better off holed up here with me. Who wouldn’t be?

The phone rang. It was Lance.

“What guy from Kandi’s show?”

I told him what little I knew about Tommy the Termite.

“Promise me you’ll go out with him,” he said. “I won’t hang up till you promise.”

So I promised, and we hung up. I turned out the light, Doris and Rock still flickering in the background.

Maybe I would go out with Mr. Termite. And maybe one of these days when I talked to a man in bed, there wouldn’t be a wall between us.

YOU’VE GOT MAIL!

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: You’ll Never Guess What Your Father’s Done Now

Well, honey, I hope things are fine in Los Angeles, because they sure aren’t fine here in Florida. You’ll never guess what your father’s done now. He’s gone and bought a toupee.

It wouldn’t be so bad if he’d bought a regular toupee or joined the Hair Club for Men like a normal human being. But no, your father bought the darn thing at a thrift shop. That’s right. He bought a used toupee!

We were at the thrift shop donating some clothing, when suddenly I looked up and saw Daddy with this ratty brown monstrosity on his head. I swear, Jaine, it looks just like squirrel fur. I begged him not to buy it, but you know how stubborn your father can be once he makes up his mind.

“Where am I going to find another toupee like this?” he asked. “Try the city dump,” I said. But he ignored me and bought it anyway. He insisted on wearing it out of the store. I was so darn angry I didn’t even tell him that the price tag was dangling down his neck.

And now he’s strutting around like he’s God’s gift to women. He thinks people are staring at him because he looks “dashing,” when the truth is they’re staring because he looks like a recent escapee from a lunatic asylum.

Today at the Tampa Vistas Clubhouse, old Mrs. Farraday took one look at the toupee and said, “What a cute hat. Just like the one Omar Sharif wore in Dr. Zhivago.”

You’d think your father would be embarrassed. But no. He says Mrs. Farraday is senile and wouldn’t know a quality toupee if it sat in her lap. Even worse, now he thinks he looks like Omar Sharif.

Honestly, Jaine, with that toupee on, your father is a totally different person. It’s like living with a stranger. A stranger with a dead squirrel on his head. I told him I absolutely refused to have “dipsy doodle” with him if he wore that damn thing to bed. And so for the time being at least, he’s taking it off at night.

Love from,

Mom

To: Shoptillyoudrop

From: Jausten

Subject: Try Not to Worry

Please, Mom, the less I know about you and Daddy “dipsy doodling,” the better.