Try not to worry. Daddy’s always trying new things. Sooner or later, he gets tired of them. Remember the time he bought that case of “factory seconds” self-tanning lotion and he was convinced he looked like George Hamilton until his skin turned orange?

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Yes, I remember. We’re still paying the dermatologist’s bills.

To: Jausten

From: DaddyO

Subject: Good news

Hi, Cookie!

Did Mom tell you the good news? I bought a toupee. A top quality hairpiece. And what a difference it makes. I look years younger, and not only that, it keeps my head warm, too. Especially in air conditioned restaurants. I’ll bet I won’t catch half as many colds as I used to.

And I don’t mind admitting, I’m getting lots of interested looks from the ladies. One of the gals at the clubhouse told me I looked just like Omar Sharif.

I’m afraid your mother is jealous of all the attention I’m getting. She makes fun of me because I bought the toupee at a thrift shop, but look who’s talking. This is a woman who buys steaks from the shopping channel. Every supermarket in town sells steaks, but no, your mother has to buy them from the television. And she makes fun of me because I bought my hair at a thrift shop?

Take care, honey.

Your loving,

Daddy

PS. Here’s a cute joke I heard at the clubhouse: What goes CLOP CLOP, BANG BANG, CLOP CLOP?

An Armenian drive-by shooting!

To: DaddyO

From: Jausten

Thanks for the joke, Daddy. But I think it’s supposed to be an Amish drive-by shooting. Because their horses go clop clop. Get it?

About your new head of hair: Are you sure you want to be wearing a used toupee? I mean, you have no idea who might have worn it before you. What if they had a scalp disease?

To: Jausten

From: DaddyO

Subject: Previously Owned

First of all, honey. My toupee is not “used.” It’s “previously owned.” The lady at the thrift shop told me it belonged to Burt Reynolds! Either him, or Sam Donaldson. And no need to worry about germs. I’ve already sprayed it with Lysol.

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: Self-respecting germ

Your father just sprayed his toupee with Lysol. He needn’t have bothered. No self-respecting germ would be caught dead in that wig.

I’ve simply got to think of a way to get rid of it.

Your desperate,

Mom

Chapter Three

I sat on SueEllen Kingsley’s toilet bowl with a sense of foreboding. Not about the book. After five minutes listening to SueEllen prattle, I knew her book (At Home With SueEllen) would never see the light of day. Not with recipes that began, “Have your maid debone a turkey…” This was a woman who probably needed directions to get to her kitchen.

No, I was worried about my father. Ever since my parents retired to Florida, Daddy’s been acting nuttier than ever. Last year, for example, he was convinced my mother was having an affair with one of the hosts from the Home Shopping Club. And now this business about buying a toupee at a thrift shop. What sort of person buys a used toupee? I only hoped he wasn’t going to wind up one of those crazy old men who take out their dentures in restaurants. Oh, well. There was no use worrying about it. With my parents living 3,000 miles away in Florida, there was nothing I could do.