‘I’ve heard absolutely nothing! That’s why I spent half the night lying here staring at the ceiling planning your funeral speech, trying to come up with poignant yet uplifting words about how you got eaten by a pack of wild wolves.’

‘There aren’t any wild wolves in the UK.’

‘That’s not the point! I was worried sick!’ Frustration hummed down the airwaves. ‘Have you checked your phone at all in the past twenty-four hours?’

‘I’ve not really had any signal.’

‘You’ve clearly got signal now!’

I checked my phone. Steph had started sending me texts at lunchtime yesterday, and these had increased in frequency and frenzy until midnight. I also had six missed calls.

‘Sorry. If any of these came through I didn’t hear them ring.’

‘How could you not hear them, alone in a forest at night? What else is there to hear? I presume you are in the forest, as planned?’

I flashed back to last night, the laughter, the stories, the animated conversation. My phone had been in my rucksack; there’s no way I’d have heard it.

‘Steph, you know how long my life was controlled by the phone ringing every time I was out by myself. You can’t blame me for turning it to silent.’

‘I’m not your mum, Ollie,’ she huffed. ‘I’m your best friend, sensibly checking in considering you were spending the night alone in the middle of nowhere.’

‘I know. I’m sorry you were worried, but I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Better than fine, actually. If you’re free this evening I’ll tell you about it, but for now I really need to boil some water and find somewhere to do a wee.’

‘So you were alone?’

‘Um, what?’

That woman. She hadn’t raised three headstrong brothers and survived social work for eight years without developing some skills.

‘Again, as your best friend, I’m checking that as well as being alive and well, you’ve not slipped off the No-Man wagon and ended up, I don’t know, camping in Mr May’s garden or something.’

I held the phone away from my ear until I was sure I’d got my voice under control. ‘I can promise you I slept out in the forest, as planned.’

‘Alone?’

‘No, actually, I wasn’t alone. I spent the whole night snuggling a handsome male.’

I could almost hear Steph rolling her eyes. ‘You’re talking about Nesbit, aren’t you?’