‘Nice to meet you,’ I mumbled, holding out my hand. He stared at it but did not move. ‘What? You know it’s clean.’

‘Nice to see you, Sumi,’ John said with a nod. ‘If you’ll excuse me, I’m needed in the kitchen.’

Leaving my hand hanging over the bar, he turned and disappeared down a staircase I hadn’t noticed before, hidden behind an enormous wine rack.

‘Well,’ Sumi turned back to me and took a long sip of wine. ‘Someone made an impression.’

‘Not the one I would have chosen,’ I replied curtly. ‘So, you were saying something about a burger?’

‘Drink your drink,’ she ordered. ‘I’m buying and you’re not working, let’s get pissed.’

‘Actually, I might have a job after all.’ I gave her a happy grin, accompanied by my best jazz hands. ‘Do you remember Danielle who I used to work with?’

Sumi frowned. ‘Was she the very, very keen one?’

‘Was and still is,’ I nodded. ‘She got my new number text and she reckons she might have a job for me. How mad is that?’

Sumi’s face began to scrunch in on itself until her nose was the only discernible feature left. ‘Were you weeing or were you down there texting everyone you’ve ever worked with? On a public toilet? In London?’

‘No,’ I said quickly. ‘I was reading texts on the toilet and making one very quick phone call. Perfectly acceptable according to millennial social etiquette. I only sent that one text.’

She suddenly stared at me with very wide eyes.

‘Ros, did you send that text to every number in your contacts?’

I nodded.

‘And you thought that was a good idea?’

I nodded.

‘Have you got any idea of the number of dick pics you’re going to get in the next twenty-four hours?’

I considered it for a moment then decided I definitely did not want dick pics. Yes, I was going through a dry spell but still. Unbidden dicks were not nice to look at. Even bidden dicks failed to make the prettiest of pictures. There was a reason there was no ‘hall of knobs’ at the Louvre.

‘No one in my contacts would send a woman dick pics,’ I stated. ‘I’m sure of it.’

I was not sure of it.

‘So it is written, so shall it be,’ Sumi declared. ‘Thou sendeth a group text to unknownst numbers and ye shall receiveth pics of dicks. Even I get dick pics and talk about a waste of time.’

I grabbed my glass of wine and took a deep sip. ‘You’re so lucky to be a lesbian.’

‘And don’t I know it,’ she agreed.