‘Will you talk to me please?’ Sumi said, tapping two fingers on the table under my nose. ‘Help me understand, Ros. I know moving back home isn’t exactly a dream come true but you’ve got a good job, you’ve got that tit Parker back – which you’d think would have you cock-a-hoop – and you got to work in America for three years which is an opportunity most people would kill for—’

‘And would they kill for the opportunity to be shit at the job and get fired?’ I asked, raising my head sharply.

Sumi blinked at me, confused.

‘I got the sack,’ I said, dipping my spoon into the coconut. It was fine. ‘I hated my life in DC. I was lonely and miserable and I got the sack. Does that help?’

I turned away and gazed out the window.

‘What do you mean, you got the sack?’ Sumi asked.

‘They let me go,’ I replied, remembering the conversation so clearly. Sitting there in my boss’s office, the HR person explaining they were terminating my contract, my boss refusing to make eye contact, and me, just sitting there, overwhelmed with shame. ‘I wasn’t good enough and I got the sack. The end.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ she asked, softening her voice and reaching for my hand. ‘Ros?’

‘Because I was embarrassed,’ I replied, closing my eyes and breathing in. As soon as I said it, I felt incredibly stupid.

‘You were embarrassed to tell me you lost your job?’ Sumi squeezed my hand and I opened one eye to see a small smile on her face. ‘Seriously? Even though I know your deepest, darkest secrets?’

I sniffed and squeezed her hand back.

‘Don’t you dare,’ I warned in a thick voice.

‘Even though I know you had a wee in your cat’s litter tray when you were twelve?’ she said. ‘Even though I know you found out the hard way that a blow job does not mean you blow on a penis?’

‘Oh my god, shut up,’ I groaned, pulling my hand away and covering my face.

‘Even though I had to take you to A&E after you tried to use cotton wool as a makeshift tampon and were convinced you had toxic shock syndrome?’

‘I was wondering if you’d like to order now?’ asked the ashen-faced waiter. We looked up at his pale face and trembling lower lip and burst into hysterics.

‘Two large originals,’ Sumi said, gasping for breath. ‘With chocolate chips for her, coconut shreds and strawberries for me.’

He nodded and left. No further questions.

‘Tell me exactly what happened,’ she ordered. ‘I want to know all of it.’