“Do they think it was caused by whatever happened with the other two?”

The doctors do not know the reason for her two previous miscarriages. The loss of those babies is a secret her body has thus far refused to divulge. Lily is hoping that perhaps this time the mystery will be solved and that, as a result, it can be overcome in the future.

Daniel shrugs. There is something noncommittal in the gesture which makes Lily want to pull her hand free from his but she hasn’t the strength.

“So it could have been something different? It could have been something . . . specific?”

She cannot bring herself to voice the accusation. It is unfair, she knows, to apportion blame when they are both in mourning. But the unspoken allegation hangs between them, heavy and thick like winter fog, so that they are unable to reach out toward one another’s grief.

“They don’t know, Lil. They’ll need to do more tests. They just don’t know right now.”

It is not the answer she wants but she hasn’t the will to challenge him. Instead she turns her head away and blinks against the tears.

Daniel begins to speak again, his words tripping over each other in order to deliver quickly the news he knows she will not want to hear.

Pregnancy. Risks. Advised not to try again.

She hears the words but will not absorb their meaning. Turning to look at him, she cannot read his expression, cannot tell whether it is the frown or the smile he means her to see.

“We don’t need to try again, do we, Lil? Three times, that’s enough, surely? We have Phoebe. Shouldn’t we just be grateful for her? Let’s not put ourselves through all this again. I don’t feel the need for another child to complete our family. We’re fine just the way we are, aren’t we?”

Lily neither dissents nor agrees.

Later, she thinks. Later she will be able to change his mind. It is not a conversation for now. She can wait. She can be patient.

She lays her head back on the pillow, closes her eyes, and invites in sleep. She just needs to give him time. He will, she feels sure, want to try for another baby eventually.

Chapter 8

Jess

Jess glanced at the clock on the dashboard as she edged over the speed limit along the Westway. Her jaw tightened as a queue of traffic ahead of her forced her to brake. Thirteen hours after arriving on set, all she wanted to do was head home, but instead she was having to clear up Lily’s mess yet again.

Irritation needled her skin. Even when she had no direct contact with her, Lily still managed to inveigle her way into Jess’s life, still managed to cause disruption. Even after all these years of avoiding her, Jess was still covering up Lily’s mistakes.

Her mum had said she’d get a cab home from the audition, but Jess couldn’t let her do that. Lily might be able to cancel arrangements at the last minute and leave their mum in the lurch, but Jess couldn’t.