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If Only I Could Tell You

Hannah Beckerman
Contents (161)
  1. Dedication
  2. Epigraph
  3. Contents
  4. Prologue
  5. June 23, 1988
  6. Part One
  7. February 2016
  8. Chapter 1
  9. Audrey
  10. Chapter 2
  11. Jess
  12. Chapter 3
  13. Lily
  14. Chapter 4
  15. Audrey
  16. Part Two
  17. March
  18. Chapter 5
  19. Audrey
  20. Chapter 6
  21. Lily
  22. Chapter 7
  23. May 2009
  24. Chapter 8
  25. Jess
  26. Chapter 9
  27. October 1987
  28. Chapter 10
  29. Jess
  30. Chapter 11
  31. Audrey
  32. Part Three
  33. April
  34. Chapter 12
  35. Audrey
  36. Chapter 13
  37. April 1972
  38. Chapter 14
  39. Lily
  40. Chapter 15
  41. Jess
  42. Chapter 16
  43. September 1988
  44. Chapter 17
  45. Audrey
  46. Chapter 18
  47. July 2003
  48. Chapter 19
  49. Audrey
  50. Part Four
  51. May
  52. Chapter 20
  53. Audrey
  54. Chapter 21
  55. Audrey
  56. Chapter 22
  57. Audrey
  58. Chapter 23
  59. Lily
  60. Chapter 24
  61. Christmas Day 1988
  62. Chapter 25
  63. Audrey
  64. Chapter 26
  65. Jess
  66. Chapter 27
  67. Audrey
  68. Chapter 28
  69. Lily
  70. Chapter 29
  71. Jess
  72. Chapter 30
  73. Lily
  74. Chapter 31
  75. Audrey
  76. Chapter 32
  77. Jess
  78. Chapter 33
  79. Audrey
  80. Chapter 34
  81. June 1988
  82. Part Five
  83. June
  84. Chapter 35
  85. Audrey
  86. Chapter 36
  87. Lily
  88. Chapter 37
  89. Audrey
  90. Chapter 38
  91. Audrey
  92. Chapter 39
  93. Jess
  94. Chapter 40
  95. Lily
  96. Chapter 41
  97. Audrey
  98. Chapter 42
  99. Jess
  100. Chapter 43
  101. Lily
  102. Chapter 44
  103. Audrey
  104. Chapter 45
  105. Jess
  106. Chapter 46
  107. June 1988
  108. Chapter 47
  109. Jess
  110. Part Six
  111. July
  112. Chapter 48
  113. Jess
  114. Chapter 49
  115. Lily
  116. Chapter 50
  117. Audrey
  118. Chapter 51
  119. Lily
  120. Chapter 52
  121. Audrey
  122. Chapter 53
  123. Lily
  124. Chapter 54
  125. Audrey
  126. Chapter 55
  127. Jess
  128. Chapter 56
  129. Audrey
  130. Chapter 57
  131. June 22, 1988
  132. Chapter 58
  133. Audrey
  134. Chapter 59
  135. Lily
  136. Chapter 60
  137. June 23, 1988
  138. Chapter 61
  139. Jess
  140. Chapter 62
  141. Audrey
  142. Chapter 63
  143. Jess
  144. Chapter 64
  145. Lily
  146. Chapter 65
  147. Jess
  148. Chapter 66
  149. Audrey
  150. Part Seven
  151. November
  152. Chapter 67
  153. Jess
  154. Chapter 68
  155. Lily
  156. Chapter 69
  157. Audrey
  158. Acknowledgments
  159. About the Author
  160. Copyright
  161. About the Publisher
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Dedication

For Aurelia:

from whom I promise never to keep secrets

Epigraph

Never to bid good-bye,

Or lip me the softest call,

Or utter a wish for a word, while I

Saw morning harden upon the wall,

Unmoved, unknowing

That your great going

Had place that moment, and altered all.

Thomas Hardy, “The Going”

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Dedication

Epigraph

Prologue: June 23, 1988

Part One: February 2016

Chapter 1: Audrey

Chapter 2: Jess

Chapter 3: Lily

Chapter 4: Audrey

Part Two: March

Chapter 5: Audrey

Chapter 6: Lily

Chapter 7: May 2009

Chapter 8: Jess

Chapter 9: October 1987

Chapter 10: Jess

Chapter 11: Audrey

Part Three: April

Chapter 12: Audrey

Chapter 13: April 1972

Chapter 14: Lily

Chapter 15: Jess

Chapter 16: September 1988

Chapter 17: Audrey

Chapter 18: July 2003

Chapter 19: Audrey

Part Four: May

Chapter 20: Audrey

Chapter 21: Audrey

Chapter 22: Audrey

Chapter 23: Lily

Chapter 24: Christmas Day 1988

Chapter 25: Audrey

Chapter 26: Jess

Chapter 27: Audrey

Chapter 28: Lily

Chapter 29: Jess

Chapter 30: Lily

Chapter 31: Audrey

Chapter 32: Jess

Chapter 33: Audrey

Chapter 34: June 1988

Part Five: June

Chapter 35: Audrey

Chapter 36: Lily

Chapter 37: Audrey

Chapter 38: Audrey

Chapter 39: Jess

Chapter 40: Lily

Chapter 41: Audrey

Chapter 42: Jess

Chapter 43: Lily

Chapter 44: Audrey

Chapter 45: Jess

Chapter 46: June 1988

Chapter 47: Jess

Part Six: July

Chapter 48: Jess

Chapter 49: Lily

Chapter 50: Audrey

Chapter 51: Lily

Chapter 52: Audrey

Chapter 53: Lily

Chapter 54: Audrey

Chapter 55: Jess

Chapter 56: Audrey

Chapter 57: June 22, 1988

Chapter 58: Audrey

Chapter 59: Lily

Chapter 60: June 23, 1988

Chapter 61: Jess

Chapter 62: Audrey

Chapter 63: Jess

Chapter 64: Lily

Chapter 65: Jess

Chapter 66: Audrey

Part Seven: November

Chapter 67: Jess

Chapter 68: Lily

Chapter 69: Audrey

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Copyright

About the Publisher

Prologue

June 23, 1988

It is a Thursday morning and Jess is walking up the stairs even though she has no need; she has already brushed her teeth and pulled her hair into some semblance of a ponytail. Her schoolbag is leaning against the umbrella stand by the front door and, in a few minutes, she and Lily will meet in the hallway and begin making their way to school.

Later—many years later—Jess will speculate that somehow she knew, somehow she sensed what was happening: an inexplicable sisterly intuition compelling her to investigate.

As she reaches the top of the stairs, Lily is coming out of the spare bedroom. Her back is turned to Jess and she closes the door quietly, reverentially almost, her hands clasped around the handle. Jess watches her take in a long, deep breath that she seems to hold in her chest for an impossible length of time before letting it out slowly, steadily.

“What are you doing?”

Lily jumps around, her face flushed, eyes darting from left to right. “Why are you creeping up on me like that?” she hisses at Jess in an angry whisper that does not sound like her usual voice.