The Jackson crew wanders along the sand in front of me, soaking up the evening sun and laughing. I’m so glad to have them here, but I can’t believe Shay didn’t come.

I get it. She has other responsibilities, other things in her life to focus on than her brother’s old friend. I tried to tell myself it didn’t matter. Lied to myself about how much I wanted her to see my new life. Now her family’s here and it’s great, but it’s also . . . lonely in a way I can’t explain to anyone.

Doesn’t she know that she’s half the reason I arranged this trip? But I guess she wouldn’t. When she suggested she’d change her college plans to be with me, it scared the shit out of me, and I’ve done everything I could to hide my feelings since. She’s so smart—and not just compared to me. Compared to anyone. She’s brilliant, and I won’t be the reason she doesn’t chase her dreams. When I was starting at Starling College, my course load was intense. I’d never been pushed academically like that, and my anxiety was off the charts. Lucky for me, Shay was taking a couple of courses there—a high school freshman taking French at a four-year college, because she’s that kind of smart. I got to see her a couple of times a week. She’s the only one who could help me relax enough to make it through those major projects. My grades weren’t great, but I don’t think I’d have passed if it hadn’t been for her. If I’d been put on academic probation and kicked off the team, I never would’ve been drafted by the Demons. She’s the reason I got to pursue my dream, and I won’t stand in the way of hers.

But she didn’t tell me she has a boyfriend.

It was only a matter of time, but it was still a punch in the gut when Carter’s little brother, Levi, made a joke about Shay being alone at the house with him. I didn’t want her to wait for me, but I guess I thought she might. But now she has a boyfriend, and they’re going to New York together. Because he’s smart enough to be in the special group that takes the trip. Smart like Shay. I bet she likes that.

I wonder if she calms him when he’s stressed. I wonder if he’s ever wondered if there’s something wrong with the way he was made, only to have her put a hand on his arm and make him feel like he’s whole, like he’s enough.

I pull my phone from my pocket. I owe you no more secrets.