ME TOO. She gets every meal brought to her while she Zooms for her school lectures. She refuses to wear the fancy Beats by Dre headphones my parents gave her because they hurt her delicate head.

Gabriela

I’ll take them! I need mom-canceling headphones!

Parisa

It’s super annoying, but also kind of cool, because if I press my ear up to the wall, I can listen in on her classes. But guess what else I can hear?

Gabriela

Oh God. Do I want to know?

Parisa

ALL OF HER PHONE CONVERSATIONS WITH GIDEON KOUVARIS, BECAUSE THEY ARE FULLY DATING.

Gabriela

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Parisa

Yes.

Gabriela

I am SO sorry.

Parisa

I effing knew this would happen once they both got into Yale.

Also, he started posting on IG again and he looks SO much hotter than he did in high school. He grew out his hair so it’s all curly now, he has a beard, he wears dark-rimmed glasses and weathered T-shirts with slogans like “vive la résistance” on them.

Gabriela

Wait. What’s his handle?

Parisa

@WrittenByGideon

Gabriela

Trolling his account now.

Whoa. What a difference three months at college makes. I can’t believe they’re dating. Your sister might be… evil?

Parisa

The kid from The Omen all grown up? Yeah.

I guess she didn’t know I was madly in love with him all through high school.

Gabriela

Do you think they have FaceTime sex? What would that even be? Simultaneous masturbation?

Parisa

So gross.

Gabriela

Maybe the only sex we’ll ever have with anyone now is FaceTime sex.

Parisa

Then I better get really comfortable with masturbating. On and off camera.

Gabriela

OMG, people are totally going to use puppy filters while they orgasm, aren’t they?

Parisa

I feel like Neda would use a unicorn filter or something. And Gideon would be a centaur? Although I guess then his face wouldn’t need a filter?

Gabriela

Ewwwww. I’ll never be able to erase the image of his horse penis from my mind.

Parisa

It’s like a universal fact that all penises are ugly.

OMG. I can hear them FaceTiming again! Codependent much? Maybe this is just the universe’s way of telling me to move on.

Speaking of boys and penises, Wes will not stop texting me about you.

Gabriela

Which is so weird, because I’ve barely heard from him.

Parisa

I don’t think he knows how to act around you when we’re not all hanging out. I mean, I’m kind of the bridge between you guys.

Gabriela

True.

Parisa

Sigh. I miss you. I hate this.

Gabriela

Me too. This sucks so hard.

It’s getting late. I should go to bed. Xoxo

Parisa

Same. Xoxo

PARISA