Once they all disappear and I’m alone in my room, my first instinct is to call or text Gabs and share the news, but I have to remind myself that we’re not speaking. And that I’m never going to speak to her again. When I got her email, I was riding on the high of another hike with Lizzy Pearson. Spending time with someone new was starting to make me feel like other people besides Gabs might actually find me cool and interesting. But the boost to my self-esteem didn’t last long. It’s hard to describe the kind of hurt and humiliation that consumes you when you get a window into what your best friend really thinks of you. Actually, in my case, it wasn’t a window. It was more like a gaping black hole filled with four years of resentments. They say there’s a thin line between love and hate, but maybe there’s no line at all?

After I texted Gabs that I never wanted to talk to her again, I crawled under the covers and cried for the rest of the day. When I missed dinner, Neda came in to check on me, and I told her the details of what happened, conveniently skirting the fact that Gideon was the original impetus for the fight. She laid next to me in bed and told me that when people are hurt and angry, they say things they don’t mean.

“Really? ’Cause I think that’s when they say all the things they do mean.”

I did not want to walk away from the most significant friendship of my life, but I don’t know how a person moves on from reading such hateful descriptions about herself. I don’t know how Gabs and I can pretend like the email was never sent. I don’t know how I can tell her my deepest, darkest secrets and not wonder if they’ll be used against me someday. Maybe our friendship wasn’t sturdy enough to survive a global crisis.

I take out my phone and send Gideon a text.

Parisa

I got in!

He responds immediately.

Gideon

YES! I knew you could do it!

Parisa

Thanks for all your help.

He replies with the blushing heart emoji.

Gideon

We’ll have to find a way to celebrate.