I turned to see Jarvis Burke. He was one of the offensive linemen. I barely knew him. You’d think all us guys on the line would be like our own mini fraternity, but it didn’t work that way. Offense and defense were like two different teams. As I looked at him, I suddenly got the feeling that Jarvis had his own thing going on. Nothing like mine, but whatever his thing was, he was living with it alone.

“Use it how?” I asked.

Jarvis shrugged. “Any ways you want,” he said. “You got the spotlight to say sumpin’ worth sayin’. Not everybody gets that. So work it.”

And then Layton had to come in with his own opinion—like being the quarterback gave him the right to be in everyone’s business. “Football should be about football, not about making a statement. Just saying.”

I thought about Katie. She’d be out there now cheering us on, putting on a happy face, no matter what she was feeling inside.

“Is there a problem, Bowman?”

I didn’t even realize I was staring at Layton until he said that. Glaring actually.

“You undressing me with your eyes or something?” He laughed, hoping to get some chuckles from the team, and when he didn’t, he shrugged it off and turned all friendly. “Naah, just messing with you, man. It’s all good.”

He rapped me on the shoulder on his way out, like we were buddies. He moved too quick for me to push his hand away—by the time I tried, he was already turning the corner, which also left him with the last word. And it occurred to me that the things that made him a good quarterback—unpredictability, pinpoint accuracy, and the ability to control any play—were the same things that allowed him to get away with the things he did.

Our side was roaring as we took the field. I took a glance up into the stands. I wanted to find Paul out there—to see if he did sit with my family after all. I wanted to see if Leo was there, and the Edwards. But I couldn’t find anyone in the crowd today.

What I did see—on the home and visitor sides as well—were people waving rainbow flags. Not everyone, but enough to be seen. Enough to make that statement Layton was so much against.

It’s hard to explain what I felt seeing those flags. I felt exposed, but uplifted. I felt isolated, yet embraced. Opposing feelings, not side by side, but living within one another. Today’s game was not about football, it was about me—or at least what I’d come to represent. It felt awful. It felt great. It felt like getting your chance to play in a league you know you’re not ready for.

Maybe that can explain what happened on the field that day.