My father and uncle managed to see Palm Springs for free, twice. “All we had to do was listen to two half-day seminars! It was great!” They also saw San Diego and Santa Barbara courtesy of time-share seminars. They did, of course, give up several days of their life, but, as my uncle said, “I’m recording all the shows we’re missing on my VCR!” Once they had honed their skills, their tactics were simple. As my father explained to me, “I just go and tell them I have no money and my brother doesn’t understand English.”

Sadly enough, my uncle Nematollah recently decided to return to Iran. This departure has left my father without a partner in crime. Despite his persistence, his sisters refuse to join him because, frankly, they’re too smart. My father, never one to give up hope, recently announced that he is trying to convince my mother to give time-shares another chance. “If she understood less English, she would enjoy the seminars a lot more,” he told me. In the meantime, he has a lot more time for his other hobby, watching television, which, unlike yachting, fishing, or spelunking, is completely free.

The Ham Amendment

The Ham Amendment

One of my father’s favorite foods is ham. This is not a problem if your name is Bob and you live in Alabama. But when you’re Kazem living in Abadan, satisfying your ham cravings can be a challenge.

During my childhood, Iran was a monarchy led by the Shah. His picture was everywhere. The serious expression on his face made it clear that this was an important person having important thoughts. His beautiful wife, Farah, was usually seen standing beside him in photos, wearing a large, bejeweled crown, which appeared rather uncomfortable but managed to make her, too, look far more important than the average person walking down the street. They had four children, all of whom were en-vied by the entire Iranian population for leading perfect lives, lives which included French-speaking nannies, skiing lessons, fancy clothes, and the assumption of perpetual happiness. I didn’t really think much about the royal family, except I had noticed that they owned a lot of big jewelry. My parents, however, were huge fans. My father firmly believed that the Shah would educate and modernize Iran. After his graduate years in Texas, my father had returned to Iran full of American optimism. With its vast oil reserves and abundance of smart people, Iran, according to my father, could really go places.