Chapters (34)
- Title Page
- Table of Contents
- Dedication
- Praise
- Acknowledgments
- Leffingwell Elementary School
- Hot Dogs and Wild Geese
- In the gutter
- Save Me, Mickey
- Swoosh-Swoosh
- With a Little Help From My Friends
- Bernice
- A Dozen Key Chains
- You Can Call Me Al
- Of Mosquitoes and Men
- The “F Word”
- Waterloo
- America, Land of the Free
- The Ham Amendment
- Treasure Island
- IT’s All Relatives
- Me and Bob Hope
- I Ran and I Ran and I Ran
- I-raynians Need Not Apply
- Girls Just Wanna Have Funds
- Joyeuse Noëlle
- The Wedding
- I Feel The Earth Move Under My Feet
- A Nose by Any Other Name
- Judges Paid Off
- If I Were a Rich Man
- Afterword
- About the Author
- Copyright Page
After a few awkward attempts by my mother to find Iran on the map, Mrs. Sandberg finally understood that it wasn’t my mother’s lack of English that was causing a problem, but rather her lack of world geography. Smiling graciously, she pointed my mother back to her seat. Mrs. Sandberg then showed everyone, including my mother and me, where Iran was on the map. My mother nodded her head, acting as if she had known the location all along but had preferred to keep it a secret. Now all the students stared at us, not just because I had come to school with my mother, not because we couldn’t speak their language, but because we were stupid. I was especially mad at my mother, because she had negated the positive impression I had made previously by reciting the color wheel. I decided that starting the next day, she would have to stay home.
The bell finally rang and it was time for us to leave. Leffingwell Elementary was just a few blocks from our house and my father, grossly underestimating our ability to get lost, had assumed that my mother and I would be able to find our way home. She and I wandered aimlessly, perhaps hoping for a shooting star or a talking animal to help guide us back. None of the streets or houses looked familiar. As we stood pondering our predicament, an enthusiastic young girl came leaping out of her house and said something. Unable to understand her, we did what we had done all day: we smiled. The girl’s mother joined us, then gestured for us to follow her inside. I assumed that the girl, who appeared to be the same age as I, was a student at Leffingwell Elementary; having us inside her house was probably akin to having the circus make a personal visit.
Her mother handed us a telephone, and my mother, who had, thankfully, memorized my father’s work number, called him and explained our situation. My father then spoke to the American woman and gave her our address. This kind stranger agreed to take us back to our house.
Perhaps fearing that we might show up at their doorstep again, the woman and her daughter walked us all the way to our front porch and even helped my mother unlock the unfamiliar door. After making one last futile attempt at communication, they waved good-bye. Unable to thank them in words, we smiled even more broadly.
After spending an entire day in America, surrounded by Americans, I realized that my father’s description of America had been correct. The bathrooms were clean and the people were very, very kind.
Hot Dogs and Wild Geese
Hot Dogs and Wild Geese