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Chapters (34)
  1. Title Page
  2. Table of Contents
  3. Dedication
  4. Praise
  5. Acknowledgments
  6. Leffingwell Elementary School
  7. Hot Dogs and Wild Geese
  8. In the gutter
  9. Save Me, Mickey
  10. Swoosh-Swoosh
  11. With a Little Help From My Friends
  12. Bernice
  13. A Dozen Key Chains
  14. You Can Call Me Al
  15. Of Mosquitoes and Men
  16. The “F Word”
  17. Waterloo
  18. America, Land of the Free
  19. The Ham Amendment
  20. Treasure Island
  21. IT’s All Relatives
  22. Me and Bob Hope
  23. I Ran and I Ran and I Ran
  24. I-raynians Need Not Apply
  25. Girls Just Wanna Have Funds
  26. Joyeuse Noëlle
  27. The Wedding
  28. I Feel The Earth Move Under My Feet
  29. A Nose by Any Other Name
  30. Judges Paid Off
  31. If I Were a Rich Man
  32. Afterword
  33. About the Author
  34. Copyright Page

The all-you-can-eat buffet, that American phenomenon, represented the only endurance exercise at which my family excelled. Even when my father had just lost hundreds of dollars at the blackjack table, we felt that we were beating the system by filling ourselves with more food than we were actually paying for. “These shrimp alone are worth at least five dollars!” my father would declare. “Look at those desserts! They’re worth the price of the buffet by themselves!” my mom and I would chime in. By stuffing ourselves until we ached, we felt we had outsmarted Las Vegas. And all for only $3.99!

What made Las Vegas even more awful were my memories of real vacations we had taken in the past. In Iran, “vacation” meant going to the Caspian Sea. Every summer, my father’s employer, the National Iranian Oil Company, allowed its employees the use of its villas in Mahmood Abad for one week. Mahmood Abad, a town on the Caspian shore, was a two-day drive from Abadan. Every summer, the five of us would pile into our Chevrolet, my mom making sure to bring enough sandwiches, cucumbers, fruit, and Coca-Cola for the long drive. We were always glad to leave Abadan in the summer, since its desert climate was unbearable. As we headed north, toward Tehran, the weather cooled off slowly, proof that we were indeed farther and farther from our home. We always reached Tehran in the evening and spent the night at relatives’ houses. The next morning, we set off again, complete with fresh sandwiches and fruit courtesy of my relatives.

The drive between Tehran and the Caspian Sea is one of the most beautiful stretches of land I have ever seen. The lush scenery offered more shades of green than I saw anywhere else. We passed by endless fields of purple wildflowers. The most exciting part of the trip was the many tunnels, which enabled us to pass through the Elburz Mountains to reach the Caspian. We knew we were almost there by the change in the climate: the closer we came, the fresher and crisper the air. The sight of villagers hawking cheap plastic pails, beach balls, and shell necklaces along the road meant one thing: we were almost at the sea. We could no longer contain our excitement.

The “villas” we stayed in were modest cabins lined up along the beach like dominoes. Days were spent at the beach, where we built sand castles, looked for seashells, and played in the waves. Knowing the children were safely occupied, my parents relaxed and mingled with friends. Meals were eaten in the mess hall, cafeteria style. At night, everyone returned to the cafeteria for the nightly movie. In retrospect, our vacation was like a family camp and everyone was sad to leave. “How can a week go by so quickly?” we’d always ask.