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Chapters (62)
  1. Title
  2. Copyright
  3. Contents
  4. About the Author
  5. About the Book
  6. Dedication
  7. Your Worst Nightmare
  8. ONE
  9. TWO
  10. THREE
  11. FOUR
  12. FIVE
  13. SIX
  14. SEVEN
  15. EIGHT
  16. NINE
  17. The Answer to All Your Prayers
  18. TEN
  19. ELEVEN
  20. TWELVE
  21. THIRTEEN
  22. FOURTEEN
  23. FIFTEEN
  24. SIXTEEN
  25. SEVENTEEN
  26. EIGHTEEN
  27. NINETEEN
  28. TWENTY
  29. TWENTY-ONE
  30. TWENTY-TWO
  31. TWENTY-THREE
  32. TWENTY-FOUR
  33. TWENTY-FIVE
  34. TWENTY-SIX
  35. TWENTY-SEVEN
  36. TWENTY-EIGHT
  37. TWENTY-NINE
  38. THIRTY
  39. THIRTY-ONE
  40. Somebody Else’s Child
  41. THIRTY-TWO
  42. THIRTY-THREE
  43. THIRTY-FOUR
  44. THIRTY-FIVE
  45. THIRTY-SIX
  46. THIRTY-SEVEN
  47. THIRTY-EIGHT
  48. THIRTY-NINE
  49. FORTY
  50. FORTY-ONE
  51. FORTY-TWO
  52. FORTY-THREE
  53. FORTY-FOUR
  54. FORTY-FIVE
  55. FORTY-SIX
  56. FORTY-SEVEN
  57. FORTY-EIGHT
  58. FORTY-NINE
  59. Sunlight on Water
  60. July
  61. September
  62. Acknowledgements

On the journey south, Matt is thoughtful. Claire has agreed Evan should stay with Jack and Dora a few more days, but without him, the vacancy in the passenger seat feels pronounced, and there’s a part of Matt which aches with the loss of his son almost as if he were still missing, which in truth he is. It’s been weeks, and he feels all his attempts to reconnect with Evan have been useless. He isn’t so naive as to expect Evan ever again to be the sunny, happy boy who was taken away, but he’s dared to hope some of the old Evan might re-emerge, that there might be flashes of him, moments, minutes, hours of the son he lost.

But there’s been little evidence of it so far, and Matt’s ashamed to admit even to himself that leaving Evan on the farm will be a few days of respite he didn’t even realise he needed.

He doesn’t rush to get home. He thinks he knows what he’ll find, and the prospect’s not one he relishes. He picks up dinner for himself from the Chinese takeaway three streets away: Singapore noodles, chilli beef, salt and pepper chicken wings. He doesn’t buy anything for Claire. Left to her own devices, she will have used the summer’s evening as an excuse to open the wine extra early: a glass in the garden in the sunshine, she’ll tell herself, and before very long the glass will have been a bottle, and she’ll be pretty much out cold.

As he pulls up in the driveway, the day is finally drawing to its close in a dusk where the city-bound traffic is no more than a background hum. After the farm, the air smells distinctly of suburbia: fresh cut grass on next door’s lawn, charring meat on a barbecue, warm tarmac. He turns off the engine, and for a few moments stays where he is, looking at the house which is supposed to be his home. He used to love this house, was proud of it, felt glad to be here at the end of the day. Now he doesn’t feel he belongs here, and he’s briefly overwhelmed at the unfairness of how their lives have turned out, of how much has been taken from them by the stealing of Evan.

Yet what choice does he have but to go inside to his miserable wife? How can he blame her for what she feels? But the weight of her grief drags him down. He’s tried to be strong for them both, but the burden is too heavy alone and she can’t or won’t help him carry it. In spite of himself, he resents that.

He climbs slowly from the car. Putting his key in the lock, he turns it and opens the door.