‘You should stay with the girls. They need you,’ I added. ‘Besides, I think I just need some air.’

‘I know you’re still angry with me, Rachel, about what happened, what I did. And you’ve every right to be. All I can tell you is that I’m sorry, more sorry than I can ever express. It didn’t mean anything. She means nothing. She won’t be part of my life ever again. It was just a way to release tension and I regretted it immediately. She …’

I put my hand up, shook my head. I had no desire to hear any more details. I didn’t want to hear any more when I had secrets of my own I hadn’t confessed to. Secrets that differed from Paul’s because unlike his, mine did mean something. Had meant something. It would have been easier if they hadn’t. I wouldn’t feel the need to tell the man I was meeting, face-to-face, that not only would I not be running away with him, I also had to stop seeing him.

‘It’s not about that. I just need some air, Paul. That’s all it is. I’ve got cabin fever. Claustrophobia. It’s daylight. I’ll be in a very public place. I’ll have the alarm phone with me. If anything happens, I just have to press a button and the police will know exactly where I am. They’ll be there in minutes. I’ll go to Tesco, to be extra secure. Sure, it’s only across the street from the police station.’

‘Just be careful,’ he said as I picked up my bag and keys. ‘We need you. I need you.’

He moved towards me. For a second I thought he was going to kiss me, but something held him back. We had a long way to go to attempt to save this marriage of ours. It wouldn’t be easy. There’d be no guarantees. We’d have to learn how to talk to each other again. To be with each other. To not fear touching each other.

‘I won’t be long,’ I said. ‘I promise.’ I smiled, tried to show him I was willing to listen.

I sent a quick text to Michael before I left. Asked him to meet me in forty-five minutes at the old car park at Ness Woods, a small country park about five miles outside Derry, situated off a small, winding country road. That car park had fallen out of favour some years previously when a new one, complete with a visitors’ centre, had been opened a few miles down the road. Very few people used the old entrance any more and it was likely to be very quiet at this time of day. We’d be safe.

An immediate reply told me Michael would see me there and that he couldn’t wait. I drove off, hoping I was making the right decision.