He nodded, reached his arm out to me and pulled me close to him, and I slinked his arm around my waist as we stood side by side. I looked to the ground. There was nothing there to show that something so unthinkable had happened apart from a few bunches of flowers, some chalk circles not yet washed away. The smallest remnant of yellow police tape attached to a twig. I wondered if I should have brought some flowers myself. Felt foolish for not doing so. It hadn’t even crossed my mind.

‘My parents wanted to come up here. Wanted to lay flowers. I don’t know why, really. I find it mawkish when people leave flowers at the scenes of a tragedy. It’s not like the dead person is there. I don’t want to think of any part of her here,’ he said, his eyes not leaving the ground.

I looked at the flowers, a bouquet of lilies. A couple of supermarket bouquets. A posy of forget-me-nots, tied with thick twine, the stems wrapped in thick black satin, which looked out of place against the delicate light blue petals of the flowers.

Macabre, even. I had a bad feeling and despite the heat, I shuddered.

Chapter Seventeen

Rachel

I reached down and took Ronan’s hand. ‘Ronan, how did this happen? How did we get to this?’

I could feel him shake beside me.

‘You must be running on empty,’ I said. ‘You know, you need to look after yourself now too, don’t you? You’ll run yourself into the ground …’

I’d no sooner said the words than I realised that they were grossly inappropriate in the circumstances.

Ronan looked at me, his face crumpled, and my heart sank until I realised he wasn’t angry or horrified at my tactlessness but laughing. That hysterical, grotesque laugh that comes from grief and exhaustion. It was almost like a madness and I held him in a hug until he gave way to tears.

I held him until the shaking subsided and then I told him he really did need to get home and get a good rest.

‘You’re right,’ he nodded. ‘I’ve barely closed my eyes since this happened. I’m scared to let my mind wander and I want to be there for my parents.’

‘You’ll be no use to your parents if you burn yourself out. The best thing you can do for you, and them, and for Clare’s memory right now is to look after yourself. Can you get some of those sedatives the doctor gave your parents? Take them, sleep away the afternoon?’

He nodded as another car pulled up further down the road and I heard the opening of their car door.

‘More ghouls come to gawk,’ he said. Is that what he thought of me? That I’d come to ‘gawk’?