I have to learn to let go to be happy. But there’s so much I’ll have to let go of—the past, my hurt, my fears, my guilt, my control freak tendencies. The list is overwhelming. Maybe the secret is taking it one step at a time.

No, maybe the secret is not thinking about everything all at one time. Maybe I need blinders. Something to limit my view, something that lets me see only what’s in front of me and that’s it. Because what’s in front of me right now is good.

What’s in front of me is great.

Hawaii. Kai. Sex. Fun.

I really should enjoy this, because things at home are different. I’m in paradise. It’s okay to savor paradise.

I vow to change. Right now, right here. I’m going to really start living and stop worrying, stop fearing, stop all the bad, negative mantras. I’m going to be positive. I’m going to feel good. Here. But also at home. I want to feel good at home.

I want to feel good, period.

The next morning, I wake up to rain. Kai calls me soon after to say that the beach desks will be closed and all surf lessons have been canceled.

“What do the tourists do when it rains here?” I ask.

“Go to the Ala Moana Mall. Go shopping.”

My nose wrinkles. “I don’t want to do that.”

“What do you want to do?”

“See you.”

He laughs appreciatively. “And?”

“Get naked.”

He laughs even more softly. “I like the way your mind works.”

“I’m glad.”

“I want to get naked with you, so maybe we should split the day up. Get naked, show you some more of Hawaii, and then get naked again.”

I’m smiling. “Carson, I think we’ve got a plan.”

Kai’s plan for showing me more of Hawaii means we go hiking. In the rain.

Within fifteen minutes of setting out, we’re drenched, but it’s a warm rain, and the mud squishes under our shoes as a sticky iron red. We’re laughing ourselves silly as we splish and splash our way up the mountain. Kai and I are sharing fantasies—what we’d like to do with the other and describing the scenario.

Kai wants me to dress up as a schoolgirl, and I want him to be a cowboy. I’ll wear a short plaid skirt, knee-high socks, and my hair in braids, while I put him in leather chaps minus the pants.

Kai’s horrified. “That’s disgusting. Crotchless leather pants?”

“They’re chaps.”

“I feel dirty.”

Giggling, I nearly tumble over a rock. “You’d look great.”

“I need a shower.”

“It’s my fantasy.” A big fat wet drop lands squarely on my forehead. I knock it off. “And speaking of fantasies, isn’t wanting to get naked with a schoolgirl kind of… kinky?”