I find the best vacation value at NWA.com, the Northwest Airlines site. I flew Northwest last time to Hawaii—had never flown them before and had a great experience (okay, I was in first class, but still everyone, including the ticket and gate agents, was very friendly), and at NWA.com I can get a three-night, four-day trip with hotel and air for a thousand dollars. A thousand dollars. A lot of money for me right now, but it’d be so worth it to see Kai again….

If he’d even want to see me again….

Another day passes and I feel as if I’m losing control.

I want to call Kai. I’ve been wanting to call him all day—for two days as a matter of fact—but I don’t know the protocol for calling sexy young guys.

Here in Madison Park, it’s hard for me to think of a thirty-year-old as a man. But Daniel was twenty-nine when we married—obviously at one point I thought twenty-nine or thirty mature for a relationship, but now that I’m the older one, I’m not sure.

I’m not sure about anything.

I study my nails, the ends short, a little chipped, frayed by salt water and nerves. I never chew my nails, but that’s what I’ve been doing all day. Biting my nails and waiting for my surfer to call or text message me back. But in my gut I wonder—worry—that he won’t. That he’s already moved on, said his good-bye, let go.

I obviously haven’t let go, even though what’s left of my rational mind is screaming that I should.

What do we even have in common? What would make this work?

We live worlds apart, not just geographically, but socially.

Our lifestyles are completely at odds, and Kai was the one who told me all this. Kai knows we’re different.

But he still liked me.

And I very much liked him.

I bite another nail, feel it break between my teeth, and sigh. What am I doing? Not just with Kai, but with my nails? Why am I doing this to my hands? My life?

I’m a control person. I like things tidy. One of the pleasures in being a designer is that I can bring order to chaos. I can organize, improve, impact not just people’s homes, but their lives. Since my divorce I’ve battled to get control over mine… yet one visit to Hawaii, one long weekend spent with a sexy younger man, and I’m tied up in knots. I feel like a kid again.

I really, really want to call him. I want to hear Kai’s voice. I want to remember what it was that I liked about him, remember what made Kai so different from the other surf instructors on the beach.