Because I’m going to hate saying good-bye to you. Because if I say good-bye fast, maybe it won’t hurt as much. If I say good-bye now, maybe I won’t know what I’m losing.

“You know I’m not good with good-byes.” I look at him long, knowing that this is it, knowing that even if I want to be a kid, I can’t, knowing that even if I haven’t had enough time to play, it’s over. Childhood can’t last forever. I have to suck it up, do what needs to be done. “You know I get emotional. It’s better this way.”

I try to smile, but my face is frozen and my heart is just as frozen. I have to be hard, cold, fixed. I have to do what’s right. I’m too old for Kai. Too old for Hawaii.

“Besides, you need to go get your rest before you work tomorrow. You’re not as young as you used to be.”

He doesn’t smile. His blue eyes have turned glacier cold. He knows I’m shutting him out, knows it’s all ending here and there’s nothing he can do, nothing to say, no way to make my guilt and anger go away.

And I am angry. I’m so angry. I’m angry at the baby-sitter for getting into an accident, and angry at Daniel for breaking the news so cruelly, and angry at me for not making the marriage with Daniel work and the divorce easier for the kids. I’m angry that the kids had to be hurt in the first place, that we failed to provide them with a safe harbor, a home that was a refuge against the world’s pain. Instead, adults brought the pain home.

Maybe it’s too late for recriminations like this, but it’s how I feel, and it’s hard to ever see myself as separate from my role as Mom. Because I know this: No matter how successful I become in life, no matter how much money I make or prestige I earn, it won’t matter at all if my children grow up and can’t find peace, satisfaction, happiness. Nothing I will ever accomplish will be as important as getting my kids through life, and maybe that’s why I struggle.

I know this. I believe this. But that didn’t make marriage easier, and it didn’t keep us together.

“You want me to just leave now?” Kai asks, arms crossed. The distance is already there between us.

“The bell captain can help me with my luggage.”