I can’t let Jessica know any of this because I want her to pay me and I want her to recommend me to her friends. So I focus on the positive elements of Chaz’s chart, such as his Scorpio sun, the best sun. He has a Gemini moon like me too, which suggests high intelligence.

“That’s so cool that you and Chaz have such similar charts,” she tells me. “No wonder I was instantly drawn to you.”

“No wonder,” I say. Chaz will probably break up with her soon.

I spend a lot of time emphasizing their one remotely com-patible placement, their vaguely compatible Mercuries. Vaguely. But I make it seem like a bigger deal, for business purposes.

“Your Mercury is in Sagittarius and his Mercury is in Leo,” I say. “This is great because Mercury is how we communicate. And both your Mercuries are in fire signs, so you communicate similarly.” These Mercuries could just as easily clash, but I don’t need to tell Jessica that.

Jessica nods. “We have the best communication.”

“You both tend to be direct in your speech patterns. Playful and confident. You probably have really animated and exciting conversations.”

“So true,” Jessica says. “Chaz and I could chat for hours.”

One of the hot waiters walks over to adjust the blinds. A sliver of sun hits my eye and I squint.

“Or can chat for hours,” said Jessica.

For a second I feel bad for her. Maybe she isn’t as oblivious as I thought. Maybe she knows her relationship is shit. Maybe she knows I don’t like her. Maybe she puts on a positive face because it is all she has.

“It’s kind of amazing watching you do readings,” Jessica says. “It’s like your whole vibe changes. You seem so happy and at peace.”

I frown at her, then say I have to go. She tries to hug me, and I convert it into an air-kiss. I am not trying to touch anyone unless it is going to end in an orgasm.

That night in bed, I realize I forgot to do BreakofDawn’s birth chart. Jessica distracted me with her cursed energy. I pull my laptop onto my stomach and enter her info into Astro.com. She’s a Leo sun. The sun rules Leo so it’s at home there. But the rest of her planets are in fall—the opposite of exalted. Moon in Scorpio (vengeful as fuck—the only bad Scorpio placement). Mercury in Leo (obnoxious as hell; volume control issues). Venus in Virgo (major relationship saboteurs). Mars in Cancer (victim/martyr complex).