Of course, like many New Yorkers, I had a roommate: a former college classmate named Lindsey who is too pure for this world, and certainly too pure for the havoc I wrought upon our bathroom and kitchen. For three shared years, Lindsey generously cleaned our common spaces every week with no help from me. Which I justified by reasoning that she actually must really enjoy cleaning—and she did, I could see it in her eyes—but the truth is, I was lazy and she wasn’t, and every time I said I would get around to cleaning the toilet, she would rightfully call my bluff and clean the damn thing herself. Besides, I barely left my bedroom or made our apartment feel like anything more than a hole that I hibernated in when I wasn’t out getting drunk.

I was an awful roommate and an even worse person, but Lindsey never called me out on it. She just channeled her disapproval into cleaning the toilet and letting the shiny spotless porcelain bowl speak for itself. The guilt I felt for imposing my monstrous lifestyle on someone as genuine and gentle as her was too much to bear. I ended our three years of shared mansion living and began my search for a private nest I could destroy guiltlessly on my own.

There are a lot of factors to consider when trying to find a new apartment, especially if you, like me, spend twenty-three hours a day decomposing indoors. Your apartment walls have to contain your sounds and smells, your door must be thick enough to ensure any potential callers always assume you’re not at home, and your neighbors must be of the kind that are prepared to see a specimen like yourself emerge Gollum-like once daily to retrieve carbohydrates and alcohol.

Finding an apartment means you have to find the answers to a laundry list of questions that at first seem entirely unimportant, but prove to be the most important questions of all. Like: How cute are the local Starbucks baristas? Can you imagine yourself carrying out a sordid love affair with the tallest, handsomest one, communicated only through messages drawn in cappuccino foam atop your daily lattes? Will he find you the day you decide to move away and tell you that he wants you to stay—no, he needs you to stay—because he can’t imagine his life without you, can’t imagine what his days would be like without your smile walking through those doors every morning?

These are the types of questions they don’t tell you to ask. But they matter.