The Dowager Countess took a sip of tea and gathered her thoughts.

‘I don’t want this to escalate to war any more than you do, Mr Fodder, so we’ll accept reparations for our loss – your Novice there, for a ten-year servitude. Agree and the truce is kept as though it were not broken, nor even bruised.’

Fodder took a sip of tea, and they all stared at him, waiting to see what he would say.

‘I came to bargain,’ said Fodder, ‘not to hand over one of ours. We will parley some more.’

‘Then we’ll take the stamp instead,’ she said, ‘the 2d Lloyd-George Mauve.’

‘With the Anglesey cancellation,’ said the same man off to our right.

‘The only one in the world,’ I said, when no one else had chimed in.

‘We have no ownership of the collections,’ said Fodder, ‘you know that.’

‘Then it’s the Novice.’

‘We’ll bargain some more.’

‘No, Mr Fodder, we shall not. It’s the Novice, the stamp, or nothing. And think wisely and fast, my friend, for I’m of a mind to take you as well. Don’t be upsetting a widow on her day of grieving.’

One of the small group drew out a large hunting knife and they all took a step forward, but Fodder simply reached down and pulled a dark cylindrical object the size of a rugby ball from the holdall. It was a Golgotha. Even if they started running now, Fodder could wait ten seconds before pulling the pin and they’d still be shredded. There was a sharp intake of breath from the assembled Villains. A mix of fear, respect and curiosity. Everyone had heard of a Golgotha, but few had seen one detonate. It is said the multiple shock waves are quite lovely to behold as they tumble and spiral outwards like a Romanesco cauliflower.

‘No one moves,’ said Fodder, who had a finger hooked around the detonation pin, ‘or we all go. You get nothing from this, and I get my long-deserved peace.’

‘I so love your style,’ said the Lady Dowager with a chuckle. ‘No fear or compromise. You’d make a fine Villain. We’ll talk some more. What will you be putting on the table, Mr Fodder? And don’t say the 2/6d Dylan Thomas Parcel Post red, because we’ve already got one – in mint condition, too.’

‘The Novice remains free,’ said Fodder, ‘and in return we offer you six gross of Snicker bars, two Favours and a Debt.’

‘A fig for your chocolate and promises,’ said the Lady Dowager. ‘No, you can pull the pin and know that the 15th, 16th and 17th Earls will all take vengeance upon your people from now until the end of time.’

This could be going a lot better than it was.

‘Death suits none of us,’ said Fodder, ‘but we will find a trade. I offer you  . . . a healthy infant.’