There was a sudden commotion as the food arrived. We all joined an orderly queue, the conversation rising in pitch with the sense of joyful anticipation. As we waited for the sisters, children and underweight to be fed first, we chatted about what daft idea self-styled ‘sleep extreme’ guru Gaer Brills was promoting to fashionable sleepers, and inevitably, who was going to win Albion’s Got Talent.

‘Sleeping in trees wrapped in hessian smeared in goose fat on BMI minimum,’ said Lucy, in answer to the Gaer Brills question. ‘It’ll be raining hipsters all Winter.’

In answer to the Albion’s Got Talent question, none of us had a clue after last year’s surprise winner – Bertie, a sou’wester-wearing dachshund who could tap dance – so the conversation soon changed to a subject currently in the news: tackling a recent upturn in Winter mortality. Moderates suggested baby drives and cash incentives to tackle the increased wastage, while the hardliners favoured barren-shaming, removing all bearing exemptions and axing Child Offset Schemes. Although the population was holding steady against Winter losses, occasional troughs in the childbearing demographic could still cause panic, and right-wing hardliners loved a good panic.

‘I heard that lowering the minimum childbearing age would cure the wastage issue in a stroke,’ said Megan.

‘It would mean redefining the definition of a child,’ said Lucy, ‘and I’m not so sure that’s either desirable or possible.’

‘We could always boost the gender ratio to 70:30,’ I said.

‘Mucking around any more with the numbers is a seriously bad idea,’ said Lucy. ‘I have enough trouble finding a decent date as it is.’

‘I say freeze the vast government subsidies awarded to HiberTech,’ announced Maisie in her best revolutionary tones, ‘and instead of using it to permit Morphenox for the few, establish a workable strategy to ensure that all citizens attain target BMI come Slumberdown. We shouldn’t embrace Hibernational elitism, we should embrace Uniform Sleep for all – it’s fair and just, would increase survivability, lower wastage – and ultimately release the burden of childbearing.’

We all instantly hushed. It was the central tenet and long-stated aim of the once highly respected opposition but now strictly illegal pressure group the Campaign for Real Sleep. They believed that real sleep was the one true sleep, that a pharmacological solution to wastage was morally and fiscally unsustainable, and that humans needed to dream for long-term health. It was a brave or foolhardy person who publicly espoused their views, or even opened up the question for debate. Maisie, on the face of it, was probably brave rather than foolhardy.

‘The subsidies are spent chiefly on research to ensure that one day all Hibernation is under the protective shell of Morphenox,’ said Lucy defensively. ‘Don Hector was a genius, but even he had limitations – we’ll get there eventually.’