But the idea that what I said today could be the last words you ever hear me say. I can’t let that be.

See, the thing is, there’s this angry, ugly Jamal lurking inside me. And for the longest time I let him do whatever he pleased. He was so hurt. So broken. But then one day he wasn’t just inside me. He was me.

I was him.

If I were you, I would’ve climbed out that window and kicked my ass across the country. I thought because I was finally forgiving you, that I was finally telling you my truth, that it meant you had to accept it. You had to understand.

I imagined us hugging it out.

Maybe even crying.

Okay, that would probably be me crying more than you, I admit it.

You know what else?

You’re gonna laugh your ass off when you hear this.

I imagined we’d exchange I love yous, but like, totally nonironically.

Because that’s the kind of friends we used to be.

Because once upon a time, that was the kind of friends I thought we’d always be.

But here’s what I didn’t understand.

When you leave someone, even if you see the error of your ways, even if you apologize profusely, it doesn’t matter. They don’t owe you forgiveness. They don’t have to take you back.

To be honest, Q . . .

The way I treated you, you shouldn’t take me back.

You shouldn’t even take the time to listen to this long-ass audio message either. And maybe you won’t. Maybe you stopped listening a long time ago. If so, bravo to you. I get it. And I hope you get all the happy you deserve. That your next best friend is the kind who’d never hurt you the way I did. But Q . . . on the off chance you are still listening, I’m sorry. And this time, there’s no excuses, no explanations attached. I’m just incredibly, wholly sorry.

And there’s more to say.

But I’m not gonna keep going because you never have enough memory on your phone as it is, and so if I go too long maybe you won’t even get this.

Okay, I’m acting like that’s still something true about you, when in reality, that was only true two years ago. Maybe you’ve got lots of memory left. Maybe you’re flush in gigabytes. I just said the stuff about not having enough because I was looking for a reason to end this message and ask you to meet me in person.

To maybe hear me out.

So.

That’s it.

The whole enchilada. The whole kit and caboodle.

Did you know that it’s not kitten caboodle, as in, baby cat?

I just found that out. All this time I thought it was kitten caboodle.

Like it was some super feline.