Tomorrow, I told myself. Tomorrow he’ll start getting better.

Charlie flopped in a corner of the room as I put fresh sheets on Josh’s bed. I lay next to him as he drifted off to sleep, letting myself remember when I was pregnant with Josh, his body floating inside mine, the tiny pings of his feet as they brushed against the skin that separated us. How strange it was that there was never a time in your life you could be so close to someone, but still so very, very far away. He was inside me but I couldn’t hold him, couldn’t touch him.

I’d watched him roll under my hands and ached for him to arrive. I wanted a family so much. I deserved a family.

After Josh was born, the doctor had lifted him onto my chest. I’d felt completely and hopelessly lost. He was so tiny; he’d arrived too early and his skin was a disturbing yellow. The nurses swept him away to get the care he needed. But even once he was better and we went home, I felt strangely disconnected.

As the days and nights wore on, I went through all the motions. I slept next to Josh, Nate almost relegated to a helper as I held our son, swaddled him, fed him, changed him. I wanted my mother. I wanted my father. I felt alone and adrift.

It wasn’t until a few nights after we came home that the strange distance eased. Josh started crying and I stumbled to him, exhausted and delirious. But as soon as I picked him up he quieted, nuzzling into my chest, his tiny fingers gripping mine. I sat in the rocking chair, his little body pressed against mine, chest rising and falling, his soft newborn smell twining around me.

He’d looked up at me with that somber, wise expression infants have. And right there, in the stillness of night, I’d realized this was my family. Right here, in my arms.

I finally belonged.

Now Josh’s breath came in wheezy little pants, his eyes pinched shut, as if even in his sleep he was warding off waves of pain. I felt so helpless. All I could do was hold him and tell myself that this treatment would fix him.

I was no longer a weak, helpless girl. I’d worked hard to shed her like a snake sheds its skin.

I would save him.

CHAPTER 34

AFTER JOSH HAD FALLEN back asleep, I went downstairs, my mind returning to Gabe’s text: Ben’s using again.

I tried calling Ben, but he still wasn’t answering. I was terrified he’d overdosed and was lying on the cold warehouse floor, his heartbeat slowing, his breath crushed in his lungs.