It made me feel bad, the way she said it. I was acting like a teenager over what? Why didn’t I feel the same way toward Carlow or James? Ostensibly they had a lot more over me than this waiter from the middle of nowhere. Lonnie’s attraction to them was logical though, fitting to her character. I didn’t understand why she was giving this waiter the time of day and my lack of understanding made me angry. Or maybe I was just jealous. I was the nanny. I was the single one. It should’ve been me he liked.

She didn’t push me on the issue. She just turned the engine over and said, “Anyway, just one of those people we’ll never see again.”

LONNIE DROVE US ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE CITY THE NEXT day. I was sweating and aching and fell asleep in the passenger seat for half the ride. Eventually we stopped at a gas station and bought coffee in Styrofoam cups. We let William wander in a patch of grass for a few minutes before resuming our trip. Lonnie lifted up her sunglasses and squinted at me. The heat was oppressive again, now that we were closer to home. “You read a lot better than I could’ve,” she said. “You weren’t nervous at all.”

“I thought you missed it.”

“I only missed the last paragraph. Anyway, am I crazy or was that really fun? Screwing with everybody?”

“Ask me when this hangover wears off,” I said, though I knew, even then, the fact that Lonnie had thought of the experience as fun was enough to rewrite everything in my mind. Something ridiculous was happening to me.

18

THE ENTRY I’D BEEN WAITING FOR. I’D ANTICIPATED HER SAYING something basic like “We have a new nanny named Elle. She seems okay with Billy.” I tried not to get my hopes up too far. I didn’t wait for her to say anything like “She’s our best nanny yet.”

When the entry came, it wasn’t in reference to my work at all. Though it wasn’t horribly insulting, it made me feel gawky and awkward, to see myself reflected through her eyes. I have been dreading writing it down, though I remember it word for word.

Elle is a strange person. I didn’t really know her until we went away. I still don’t really know her, though lying next to someone for a while makes them feel closer even if you don’t learn anything. Here is what I know:

She is probably very lonely.

She feels uncomfortable talking about men and sex. I have no sense of whether or not she’s ever slept with anyone—ever.

She never talks about her friends.

She moved across the country in order to leave everything behind instead of seek anything out.

There’s a lot she doesn’t tell me.