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Back Devotion Save as PDF
Chapters (47)
  1. Cover
  2. Prologue
  3. 1
  4. 2
  5. 3
  6. 4
  7. 5
  8. 6
  9. 7
  10. 8
  11. 9
  12. 10
  13. 11
  14. 12
  15. 13
  16. 14
  17. 15
  18. 16
  19. 17
  20. 18
  21. 19
  22. 20
  23. 21
  24. 22
  25. 23
  26. 24
  27. 25
  28. 26
  29. 27
  30. 28
  31. 29
  32. 30
  33. 31
  34. 32
  35. 33
  36. 34
  37. 35
  38. 36
  39. 37
  40. 38
  41. 39
  42. 40
  43. 41
  44. 42
  45. Acknowledgments
  46. About the Author
  47. About the Publisher

I try to give her another story. It’s hard to imagine one that doesn’t revolve around men—being desperately in love with them or sick of them or ruined by them. What I can see is her alone in a room at night, that little electric clock from her office glowing on a bookshelf as she scribbles something in a notebook. She doesn’t know whether or not it’s any good, but that doesn’t matter, that work comes later and is less important. The main thing is getting the words down in the first place, the movement of her hand, watching the filled pages multiply. When I picture this, though, I’m never really sure if I’m seeing her or myself.

20

I needed soup dumplings that night with the same specific urgency that I’ve needed every meal since I stopped puking every hour in the first trimester. Jimmy drove me down to Chinatown. We couldn’t find a restaurant with an empty table, but an old man gave up his chair so I could shovel the hot dumplings into my mouth at a table—though I was surrounded by strangers, with Jimmy behind me, trying to eat standing up. I was in quite a lot of pain, and kept stopping to make terrible faces, then would go back to eating.

Afterward we bought a bag of longans and I started peeling them open as we walked. Jimmy said they looked like eyeballs and refused to try any. Then I felt something wet and worried my water was breaking. I made Jimmy walk me back to the car and sat on the side of the road with the parking light on, trying to maneuver into a position that would allow me to see into my underwear. It was blood. I was suddenly really scared. I knew you could sometimes bleed but it seemed like too much. I bled right through my dress, I could see it on the seat. I started crying and Jimmy tried to calm me down.

We didn’t have our things with us, and the hospital was all the way uptown, but Dr. Leland told us to come in right then so Jimmy called C to bring us the suitcases. I told him to call somebody else, but he didn’t listen. The pain was bad by the time we arrived at Mount Sinai, but I was only three centimeters dilated, so they told us I should take a walk around the block. I told them it simply wasn’t possible, but everyone kept saying, “Of course it is, of course it is,” and Jimmy dragged me outside and into the park.