The call had come while she was in the car on her way to work. She hadn’t recognised the number but had thought nothing of it, had just pressed the green button and adjusted her hands-free.

The voice on the other end had made her grip on the steering wheel tighten.

‘Hi, Karen, this is Ursula Lek. I was wondering if you could come by today. Preferably this morning.’

And in a vain attempt to fend off what she knew was coming, she had replied as breezily as she was able:

‘Blimey, that sounds serious. We can’t discuss it over the phone?’

‘I would prefer if you came in. Can you come now?’

*

Now, the doctor puts her arms down on her desk, drums her fingers on the thin stack of papers in front of her and smiles with the corners of her mouth pulled down; kind, but consoling.

Please don’t say it.

‘So, Karen, you had a mammography and various other tests here last week. And like I said, I wanted to run some extra tests to see if we could explain the symptoms you’ve been experiencing. Among other things, I looked at your thyroid function and your hormone levels. And you were supposed to see the nurse about setting up a time for a smear test.’

‘Yes, I have an appointment on Wednesday.’

‘Wonderful. I’ll get back to that. But you can relax, you don’t have breast cancer.’

The relief is so overwhelming she has to hold onto the table to keep from collapsing. She forces herself to ask, needs to hear it one more time.

‘You’re telling me it’s not cancer? Are you sure? Because I wasn’t supposed to get definitive results for another couple of weeks.’

Ursula Lek nods, but still looks consoling while Karen tries to bring some order to her thoughts.

‘We’ve gone over the images, both me and a colleague. Given everything you’ve been through and how worried you are, I decided to let you know straight away. And there’s nothing wrong with your thyroid, either.’

Then what am I doing here? What’s wrong? Why won’t she just tell me?

She has to ask. Doesn’t want to hear the answer. Just wants to get up and walk away.

‘But it’s something, right? You wouldn’t have asked me to come in if there wasn’t.’

Ursula Lek nods again.

‘You’re right, I didn’t want to tell you over the phone, because I suspect it might come as a shock to you.’

She pauses briefly before taking a deep breath and stopping time.

‘The thing is that you’re pregnant.’

Chapter 22

22

She can’t do it. She had known it the moment Ursula Lek said the words; this is something she can’t handle. Can’t relate to, can’t react to. Not with joy, not with sorrow.