"Yeah," I said, sniffing, and dropped my hands. "Yeah, okay."

"Do you want anything else before bed?" she asked.

"No, I don't think so." I got up and crawled into bed, curling up around a pillow.

Kamharida flipped the blankets over me, and patted my shoulder. "Sleep well, Leah."

"Goodnight," I answered quietly.

She drew the heavy curtains in front of the windows, shielded the lamps in the room, and left me alone with my thoughts in the darkness of the early morning.

Those thoughts twined around me like snakes. Despite my exhaustion, I couldn't seem to stop brooding and fall asleep. I kept thinking about what it had been like, to kiss Dain like I might devour him, and to feel the power of his longing for me. It had been shocking, and overwhelming, and yet once I'd spent even moments with the knowledge it wasn't surprising at all. Of course Dain loved me. Dain had always loved me.

I flopped over onto my other side with a sigh. I wasn't going to solve the conundrum of what to do about Dain right now, no matter how much I agonized about it. Dain might not even be willing to continue trying to find balance with me, now that it had been thrown into his face that he would never succeed at wanting something different from me.

If he hadn't promised to keep me as his personal guest for a year and a day, I wouldn't have been shocked if I woke up tomorrow in my own bed. Being forced to bare his heart for the Court of Mercy had almost broken him. Being forced to do it for me? Having to see my face, and hear my shock? He always expected the worst from the world, because the world had so often given him its worst. Dain had to be reeling, and certain that I would never be able to look at him again without wariness.

Once, the idea of waking up in my old bed would have filled me with relief. I spent a moment imagining it: how Mom would cry and Dad would go hammer things in the garage so that I wouldn't see him cry. The way that David would glue himself to me, like only little kids can. What it might be like to eat a greasy hamburger and fries with my friends before hopping in my car and moving to a big city for the sake of all the fae-warding steel girders.

The tears started falling again. I'd have to do it all without Dain, and without ever knowing what was happening in his life, or if he was even still alive. I felt like I was being torn in half, or eaten by wild dogs. How would I ever be able to say goodbye to him? Why couldn't I just love him, when I wanted to so badly?