I rubbed my face and sighed, then got up. It didn't bother me to have Stag Court assuming that Dain and I were having sex, nor for the Court of Mercy to carry the story back. At this point, I no longer even cared that much about the possibility of assassination. Anyone paying any attention had to know by now that Dain and I had no interest in opposing each other, and that he was willing to do a great deal for me.

Unless something changed dramatically for him, we were going to be walking a knife's-edge, and I sincerely doubted anything would change for him. There really were only two possibilities for us now, and I didn't know what to do about it.

I ground my teeth in frustration. I wanted to kiss Dain. I wanted to... to give myself some sort of confidence, some sort of proof, that would shake loose the final pieces of my heart. It's not like I didn't know that I wanted him sexually, and it's not like I didn't know that I wanted him romantically. My monsterfucker ass found the Beast of Phazikai plenty sexy, scales and tails included, and I'd fallen apart waiting for him to come home. But it wasn't... I didn't know. It wasn't something. I felt like I needed one final piece of the puzzle, so that I could say goodbye to everything I'd had before, and accept what Dain was offering.

But now I knew that there was little room in our relationship for experimentation in that direction. It wouldn't be fair to him, and the moment we let go of all our caution we would fall into balance, whether I wanted to or not. It was probably worse now than it would have been if I'd kissed him those first weeks, with all these months of pent-up longing. If Dain hadn't had the self-control to physically separate us, we would have fucked our way into helpless loverhood right there on the hedge maze bench.

He had always been so careful not to ask for things I didn't want to give. Dain would never want me to tie myself to him forever accidentally. His heart's desire was for me to choose him, and the soulmate bond meant that I had to make that decision without anything else than what I had already.

"Magical perfect connection, my ass," I muttered, as I came into my suite.

My eyes went immediately to the adjoining door with Dain's rooms. I wondered if he was over there, pacing around or sulking or putting himself through slow physical exercise to keep his mind off of me. Had he come up here and masturbated to burn off the energy? Somehow, I doubted it. Dain had spent so many months restraining that desire, treasuring my friendship and choosing to accept that I didn't want romance or sex from him.