He smiles, but it’s caring. “This is just our first session, so I can’t say, but I suspect, based on what you said, that confronting your issues with your dad may help you get to the root. You seem to place a lot of value in your weight, and you’ve let shame and fear override your rational decision-making, which perpetuates the cycle of believing the fictional monster you see in the mirror is reality, which then allows you to rationalize your eating disorder. This may also play a role in your gender identity. Though your eating disorder and relationship with gender are not connected, maybe you’re conflating the two because one—the eating disorder—is controllable, while the other—gender identity—is not. You don’t have to do this, and hopefully, through our sessions, you can begin to see that for yourself. There is nothing wrong with questioning your identity. And maybe there doesn’t have to be an answer, despite what people like your former friend may lead you to believe based on their actions.”

No answer? That seems to fly in the face of literally everything I’ve ever known. Everybody rushes to label every little part of themselves.

“Isn’t that how we make sense of the world?”

“Who is we?” he asks. “I’m talking about you. Sometimes, there isn’t any way all of you can be wrapped up in one pretty package with a shiny bow. And that’s okay.” He lets me sit with that for a minute before continuing, “This is a process. This will not happen overnight. But this starts with you. Not your father or your former best friend or Jack. You cannot change your father’s past actions. You cannot control how Jack acted or what your former friend believes about you. But you can control how you cope with the stressors associated with each of them that connect to your identity and disorder. How do you feel about that?”

I feel like he just read the hell out of me. But it makes sense. I can’t control how other people treat me or see me. But maybe I can change the way I see myself.

Maybe.

I’m not there yet, and I don’t know when I will be, which sucks, but I do feel a bit lighter walking out.