“You’re shaking.” His voice is so calm and steady, and his thumb strokes the fleshy part between my thumb and pointer finger. “I’ve been thinking about it, too. I didn’t know how to bring it up. Didn’t want to seem pushy. Whenever we decided to go for it, I wanted it to be perfect.” Jack looks down. “Should we get tested? I’ve only ever been with one girl. And not even full-on sex. Just fingers—”

“I don’t need to know,” I say quickly, imploring him to stop.

He smirks.

“You’re the only person I’ve ever … even … kissed, let alone, you know,” I say. “But yes, let’s get tested. Tomorrow?”

His eyes crinkle like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t. There’s so much in those beautiful blues that I don’t know but want to—stories and dreams and night terrors that paralyze him. There’s a depth to his constellations that stretch light-years, and I get the sense that I may never know all the bits and pieces that make up Jack Reid. It’s like he’s in a constant battle with himself, between what he says and does and what he holds close. I watch him tear into a plate of French toast sticks and wonder which part of him will win out.

All I know is that the rest of it doesn’t matter because I love him, I love him, I love him.

Chapter 17

17

I’m waiting outside the CIA Art Gallery for Jack. He hasn’t really spoken to me since we went to the school clinic earlier today, which was relatively painless. The STD and HIV rapid tests were the easy part. The questions they asked about sexual activity were the hard part because, holy shit, it’s so embarrassing to tell a relative stranger that you’ve only jerked off your boyfriend and haven’t done anything more. When everything came back negative, and the doctor gave me the “safe sex” tutorial, I sat down outside to wait for Jack. At that point, I was missing my last class of the day, but at least I got to ask the nurse about on-campus therapist recommendations.

The minutes ticked by, and still, I waited. And waited. And waited.

By the time the sun started to set, and the nurse asked me why I was still there, I realized Jack had booked it out of the clinic before I was done. Without so much as a text.

And now, I’m waiting for him again. I have no idea if he’s even going to show up for the exhibit.

My leg shakes, so I pace. When pacing doesn’t help, I text Rae.

ME: He’s still not here.

RAE: I’ll kill him.

RAE: But seriously, wtf?

RAE: If you want, I’ll get in my car and be right over. I’m a very hot +1