“Yeah, of course,” I say, and Sweatervest nods, prompting me to elaborate. “Because if the guy you’re having sex with says you’re sexy, that’s a boost to the ego.”

“Did you believe him?”

“At the time, yes.”

“But not now?”

I don’t know the answer to that.

“Did he ever invalidate your gender identity?”

“No, he wouldn’t. I told him that I was trying to figure things out, and he didn’t bat an eyelash. That meant a lot because he made me feel like my feelings mattered and that I wasn’t just … I don’t know, abnormal.”

“I bet that was affirming.”

“It was. It’s like, why shouldn’t it be normal to wonder where you fall on the gender spectrum, right? I don’t know. I don’t want to change anything about me. He sort of made me feel like I was sexy and desirable, and through his eyes, I looked at myself differently. I used to hate my hairy chest, but he loved it. He worshipped other parts of my body, too, and it made me feel like there was nothing wrong with me.”

Sweatervest’s smiling, and it’s weird.

“What?”

“As you’re talking, do you want me to tell you what I’m hearing?” he asks, and I nod. “I’m hearing things you might actually like about your body.”

Huh. Is he right? “I don’t know.”

“We’re almost out of time, but I’d like for you to continue working on your coping mechanisms until our session next week. Take a look at how you’re coping currently and how you might be avoiding your feelings. Don’t push them away. Confront them. What I heard from you today is that there’s a lot of uncertainty, but there’s also a lot of love for yourself. Perhaps it’s easier to rationalize your emotions as something you can’t change or as things that are wrong with you because you think you can control a situation by overeating or purging. But what that does is prevent you from dealing with the root causes.”

“Which are …”