A Note from the Author

A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

Chase Arthur is a character who has lived in my head since I was fifteen years old when I created him as an alter ego, a way to be unapologetically gay and fiercely artistic and comfortable in my overweight body. In reality, I was suffering from severe depression and battling body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). I have been struggling with weight issues my entire life, and, as a teen, I crash-dieted, sought out fad diets, binged, and studied the monstrous distortions I saw in the mirror and convinced myself I was too disgusting and unworthy to love or be loved. I would often not be able to recognize myself or see what others supposedly saw. I constantly analyzed every part of my body and gave in to the voices in my head that told me I would never be beautiful, that I would always be unworthy. I spent most days agonizing over my appearance and my body, covering my stomach and chest with oversize clothes and pillows and positioning my body in uncomfortable ways where I thought nobody would see the parts of myself I hated. I sought constant reassurance and resorted to extreme measures to “fix” my body due to shame and anxiety (which only fed into the suicidal ideations that came with concealing and suppressing my queerness) after being bullied for my weight.

As I got older, my body-image issues worsened, and the body dysmorphia became so extreme that I resorted to laxatives and more extreme crash diets that caused drastic and unhealthy weight fluctuations, including starving myself and compulsively over-exercising. While, for a spell, I appeared to be “skinnier,” beneath the surface, my body was in pain. Concurrently, I fought against internal homophobia, gender identity struggles, and depression that came as a result of all the storms swirling inside my head. Eventually, my depression became so bad that the pendulum swung in the other direction, and instead of obsessing over losing weight, I gave in to my depression and binged, and my weight ballooned to the point of being clinically declared “morbidly obese”; my weight was threatening my health in innumerable ways that caused me to seek professional help. Through years of therapy and subsequent weight-loss surgery, I was able to curb and manage the unhealthy, life-threatening disorders that only exacerbated my depression. While I still suffer from BDD, and probably always will, I have learned to love myself and my perfectly imperfect body.

If you are battling body dysmorphic disorder or an eating disorder or just need positive, body-affirming reads (as I wish I had), check the following resources.

BOOKS:

•   Dumplin’ by Julie Murphy

•   Every Body Shines: Sixteen Stories About Living Fabulously Fat edited by Cassandra Newbould

•   Faith: Taking Flight by Julie Murphy

•   Fat Chance, Charlie Vega by Crystal Maldonado

•   Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body by Roxane Gay (TW/CW: past sexual assault)