I don’t really know what to do with this information. Am I supposed to be grateful for a small window into Jack? Am I supposed to go all scorched earth and shit-talk Jack to Rhett, saying he deserves to cry alone in his room? Because he doesn’t, and all I want to do is go find him and hug him and tell him it’ll be okay. That I love him. That I’ll wait for him to love me back. And if that never happens, then all I want for him is to be happy. Then I hear Dr. Sweatervest in my head telling me that I should prioritize myself, that I need to love myself before somebody else can love me, and theorizing what I think Jack is thinking does nothing to help me move forward.

Benny barrels back in like a hurricane and sweeps Rhett up in a storm of “we have to go, our ride’s here, ’bye Chase, love you, happy Thanksgiving!” and before I can say anything, they’re gone.

I’m alone.

Again.

But this time, it feels different. Sure, I’m physically alone, and I don’t have Jack anymore. Rae is probably grandma-driving down the highway toward our hometown, and she won’t pick up the phone because she’s got her hands firmly at ten and two. But I think that, for the first time, I can be okay with the quiet. If I can allow my mind to stop spinning and overthinking.

I have a lot of work to do on myself and for myself, to love myself, and maybe this is the perfect time to start.

Chapter 24

24

Yeah, all that loneliness and “working on myself” stuff? Screw that.

It’s not that I want to ignore the mountain of bullshit I have to climb, but have you ever climbed a mountain? You need the proper footwear and outdoor gear and have to remember shit like hydrating and not wearing underwear that’ll chafe. Honestly, it’s easier to just drive to the top and stand at the lookout point. You get the same level of awe, I’d imagine, without all the physical and mental exertion of actually climbing.

Knowing that I won’t run into Jack this week does help because at least I know the terrain. I can wander through the campus center without fear of bumping into him. It’s freeing to be able to dip into the art building and lose hours to “The Prince Who Captured Lightning,” even though I still can’t figure out how to end the damn thing. I’m too hung up on Jack to separate him and our story from the Prince and his spark with the Knight. So I’m ignoring that part for now.