I’m still thumbing through the pamphlet about bottoming when he puts on “7 Rings” by Ariana Grande and starts voguing across the room.

“What’s going on?” I ask.

“This is the part in the movie of our lives where a certifiable queen like Ariana triggers a montage wherein I learn you some things about bottoming and topping.” He grabs my hands and pulls me to my feet.

“I really want to know what being inside your head feels like,” I say.

“No you don’t. Now shut up and give in to the montage.”

For the next two hours, Benny gives me the whole extensive rundown that includes safe douching, which foods to eat and which to stay away from, maintaining proper hydration, PrEP and different lubes, poppers, and dildos, breathing techniques, and explicit descriptions of rimming and fingering. He sing-talks about how and says it’s important to “see it, like it, want it, and get it, but also prep for it.”

I walk out when he gets on his bed and mimics various positions.

Images of Benny dance in my head as I meet Jack at the dining hall and load my plate with high-fiber foods.

Jack is staring at my tray with a funny look in his eye. “Your dinner looks bland as hell, babe.”

Do I tell him, “I want to bottom for you. I’m starting to prepare mentally because this feels like a monumental undertaking, no pun intended, but I’m ready for the dick”?

Probably not.

But I have to start somewhere. “I’m trying something new.”

He grabs my hand once we’re seated away from people. “Are you sure this isn’t, like, something I should be worried about?” Concern reflects in his irises, and I realize he’s worried about my eating disorder.

“No, this isn’t about that.” I chuckle. Nerves shake my hands. “Can I ask you something kinda weird?”

“What’s up?” He leans back and folds his arms, something he does when he’s intent on listening.

“I don’t know where you’re at, but we’ve been together for a few weeks, and obviously no pressure at all because you make me so happy and … I wanted to let you know that when you’re ready to, uh, you know, take things to the next step, that I’m ready. To talk about it, I mean,” I add quickly. I hold back the three words that always dangle at the tip of my tongue when we’re together.