BooksBarbecue
Back Admission
Chapters (56)
  1. Cover
  2. Also by Julie Buxbaum
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. CHAPTER ONE
  6. CHAPTER TWO
  7. CHAPTER THREE
  8. CHAPTER FOUR
  9. CHAPTER FIVE
  10. CHAPTER SIX
  11. CHAPTER SEVEN
  12. CHAPTER EIGHT
  13. CHAPTER NINE
  14. CHAPTER TEN
  15. CHAPTER ELEVEN
  16. CHAPTER TWELVE
  17. CHAPTER THIRTEEN
  18. CHAPTER FOURTEEN
  19. CHAPTER FIFTEEN
  20. CHAPTER SIXTEEN
  21. CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
  22. CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
  23. CHAPTER NINETEEN
  24. CHAPTER TWENTY
  25. CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
  26. CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
  27. CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
  28. CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
  29. CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
  30. CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
  31. CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
  32. CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
  33. CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
  34. CHAPTER THIRTY
  35. CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
  36. CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
  37. CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
  38. CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
  39. CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
  40. CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
  41. CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
  42. CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
  43. CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
  44. CHAPTER FORTY
  45. CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
  46. CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
  47. CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
  48. CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
  49. CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
  50. CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
  51. CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
  52. EPILOGUE
  53. AUTHOR’S NOTE
  54. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  55. ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  56. What’s next onyour reading list?

I start with studying for the SAT the morning of the Marie Claire interview and don’t stop until I reach the moment when the FBI knocked on our front door. I tell him how I thought I would be met by a box from Sephora, not men with guns. How Levi became my boyfriend and then my prom date, and how, like everything else, that fell apart. I tell him I miss Shola.

Unnecessary details from a legal perspective, maybe, but essential to me. I need him to understand how it felt, for even a moment, to be SCC girl. How it feels to have lost my best friend.

He takes notes, stopping me every once in a while when he thinks I’m dipping into dangerous territory. The weird emails and the SATs and the overheard phone call. I guess he’s worried I’ll incriminate myself, but I don’t care. I continue despite his warnings.

Even villains are allowed nuance.

I learned that in English 4.

I think of Hudson in his hospital bed yesterday, how much courage it must have taken him to half smile and say “Fifth time’s the charm.” He didn’t lie or pretend he didn’t have a problem or make promises he isn’t sure he can keep. Instead, he promised to try his best.

I’ve never tried my best. It’s time to start.

When I finish my story with its grand finale, my big confession—I saw the application in my dad’s office and made the decision to forget about it—Kenny goes quiet. I finally sit down in one of the big club chairs facing his desk, breathless, and my leg shakes up and down. My mother is not here to comment, yet I hear her in my mind like I always hear my parents’ voices, so I uncross my legs and hold still.

I wonder if that’s one definition of growing up—replacing your parents’ voices in your head with your own. I wonder if I’ll one day get there.

I check out his office. The walls are decorated with black-and-white photographs of old Hollywood stars: Marilyn Monroe. Rita Hayworth. Marlene Dietrich. I hear Madonna in my head—Rita Hayworth gave good face—and I think about my mother. How much harder giving good face is than it looks.

I wait for his verdict.