“I felt that one,” Joshua says. “Do the scene again.”

Backstage, Betty hug, arm around her, we walk out, and the scene starts again. When we get to the part in the script where I cry, I start weeping, real and painful tears. I continue with tears through the monologue. The lights go off; I scream.

“Next time, August, less crying,” Joshua says. I drop into the desk chair onstage, my legs weak. I can’t give anymore, can’t do anymore; nothing is right. “That’s enough for today, gang, we have a long day tomorrow. Let’s huddle up.”

The actors start clapping and get onstage. Betty puts her hand on my shoulder and gives me a squeeze. I join the hand-holding circle, standing in all my shame and all my lack of talent. Andy holds my hand and smiles at me. I try to smile back but forget how.

“Today was tough for August, but,” Joshua says, looking me in my eyes from across the circle, “I’m here to make you a better actor. That’s why I push you. And everyone take note, you need to connect with your character and their pain. If you don’t, the audience will know. Get some sleep. Tech begins tomorrow,” Joshua says.

The thought of coming back tomorrow and doing this again is almost unimaginable. Joshua walks offstage. I think I hear him whistle on his way out.

“Hey, August.” Andy grabs my shoulder. “That was really intense. Are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “Is this normal?”

Andy laughs. “With Joshua, nothing is normal, but that was extra. You handled it well.”

“I did?” I ask. Nothing feels right about what I did.

Twenty-Two

Twenty-Two

Saturday, October 26

9:25 A.M.

If Joshua Downs wanted to break me, I think he accomplished his mission. I woke up this morning feeling broken. No energy, no emotion, nothing. Empty. Numb. Every step I take on my way to school for hell day at Conversion feels forced. Even my feet know this is a bad idea.

I’m mad at Joshua. I’m mad at my parents. And I’m mad at Ajax. This isn’t the character I want to play. Not over and over. I’m not connecting with him. Maybe it’s Joshua Downs. Maybe it’s the role. This isn’t a dream come true; this is a nightmare.

And what will today be like? Twelve hours with Joshua Downs.

But I need this role to get ahead. The way people look at me at school. The news articles about me. The social media following. All that goes away if I lose the role. And I jeopardized my two best friendships here for this show. I can survive hell day. I need to be stronger than I’ve ever been.