My boyfriend and I got engaged on a super romantic camping trip in Yosemite, far from people and cell service. He dropped to one knee at the foot of El Capitan and then we spent a week in the backcountry, just the two of us. It was perfect. When we arrived home, we stopped by my parents’ to announce our engagement and they freaked out. How could we have kept it a secret for a week? My mother was hurt and angry I hadn’t driven 100 miles to cell service to call her with the news and my father was furious that my boyfriend hadn’t asked for “permission.” I’m a thirty-three-year-old woman, not chattel. Now, they are refusing to host the engagement party we suggested. Plus, so much drama. Whyyyyyyyy?

Signed, Melissa from Manhattan

Dear Melissa,

First off, no one owes you a party. Not your parents. Not your friends. Not your neighbors. So, let’s put the party planning aside and get to the propriety of the situation. Secondly, is camping ever really “super romantic”? This former Manhattanite is suspicious.

As for asking for your father’s permission, yes, it’s a throwback, old-timey gesture that originated in the days when women were chattel and marriage was a business deal. And in today’s modern family structure with parents of all types and couples of all genders, who is asking for permission from whom? It’s a relic of a tradition best left buried.

Let’s reframe this moment. It’s not about permission so much as it is about inclusion, celebration, and, frankly, buy-in. Lots of couples choose to include their parents, family, and friends in the engagement moment with all of them being “in” on the secret except the one getting the ring. Facebook tells me so. Given that you had a destination engagement with the two of you in a bubble, a big granite bubble, I think your parents are feeling left out. Why don’t you acknowledge that with your parents?

And do you want me to tell you that your mother is being ridiculous? Okay: Your mother is being ridiculous. Everyone knows that there is no cell service in national parks. But instead of forcing your parents to throw you a party, why don’t you take them out to dinner, just the four of you, and reset this engagement off on the right foot?

Dear Aunt B,