To Short-Waisted Bridesmaid Louise: Literally the whole deal about being a bridesmaid is WEARING THE DRESS. Or the suit. Or the caftan. Or whatever your friend, the Bride, has decided her attendants will wear. If the dress is as unflattering on you as you describe, you might ask your dear friend, the Bride, if you can wear a cut more comfortable for your body in the same color. Same color, different dress. Understood? And do so in a voice that says, “I am concerned about your wedding photos, not my personal preference.” And no to the Doc Martens unless they are white.

To the Conscientious Maid of Honor: You are my hero. I hear your concern about the upcoming toast at the wedding and appreciate being your sounding board for ideas and concepts. I wish every person who plans on giving a toast actually planned the toast they are giving. As opposed to the “drunk and winging it” approach that so many take, to the distress of the Bride and her mother. Is Ten Positions to Try on Your Wedding Night a fun toast idea? It’s not, dear MOH. Even Three Positions is three too many. Double entendres aside, this is a terrible idea. In general, toasts that involve sex, politics, old flames, side pieces, college debauchery, mooning the audience, and references to the Bride’s breasts are NSFW. (Not Safe for Weddings. And yes, I have gotten letters about all these kinds of toasts.) My tips for a can’t-lose toast:

• Keep it short
• Keep it warm
• A few words on why you love the bride or the groom (that don’t include subjects mentioned above)
• A few words on why you love the couple (that don’t include subjects mentioned above)
• Best wishes for a long and happy marriage.

To Concerned Aunt Nellie: Are you really concerned about your nephew, the Groom? Or are you concerned about you? Because wanting to do a sit-down with the Bride about the table seating prior to the wedding doesn’t really sound like you’re that worried about the Groom not liking the table for his family. It sounds like you might not like your table. Now is not the time to impose your will on the wedding couple. I’m sorry that you had to sit at “the Old People’s Table” at the last family wedding. But did it ever occur to you that you might be the old people? Get right with that before you go. As a mature guest, be gracious, be grateful, and be getting out onto that dance floor as soon as the music starts.