As part of his life licence Menopausal Manhating Mary wouldn’t let Liam have a drink, wouldn’t let him live in his own home with his daughter, and wouldn’t let him touch another woman without asking her permission first. She stalked him, went to his book launch and heckled, turned up at his house at all hours and breached him over the phone minutes before his first major event. She completely failed to consider his needs in her risk assessment, concentrating only the risk he might present to ‘known adult females’. How could she have ignored that he intended to kill himself in the river that day ten years ago? That he was suicidal in prison, as he writes in his book Cuck (heralded by the Mail as ‘the most important work on gender to have been published this century’). And yet he left prison without his medication and spent his first days on the outside withdrawing from the antidepressant sertraline while being hounded by a dried-up Clitler. In his pre-release meeting, Sister Shields promised to check with him and his GP about his medication, but she didn’t bother. Instead, during his five short days of freedom, she set out to break his balls, and, boy, did she manage that – why else would he tag her in his suicide note? He couldn’t bear it anymore. She was just like his crazy wife, Bella, who beat him for years before he cracked. Mary Shields did not want Liam to have a life. She wanted him to feelbad about being a man. I blame her. She killed him.

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At least once a year for the last thirty years an official complaint had been made about Mary, each of which required many meetings before it could officially be ignored. She’d been accused of poor time-keeping by a child rapist; Maggie McInnes said Mary locked her in the car and nipped her head for at least three minutes when it was known she was agoraphobic; and Rab McCole complained that Mary tried to kiss him and that he said no, which is why she breached him, not cos of, you know, what happened with the fire-works and that.

Complaints didn’t scare her. But this was an onslaught, one which had upset her beloved, and she was angry. She hadn’t felt so angry since failing at breastfeeding, which is why she was so determined to get everything right after that. Since Roddie left – around 2.20 it was, give or take – she had been overwhelmed with the types of thoughts and feelings she told her guys never to have: thoughts such as what it would feel like to bash Derek McLaverty’s head in with a hammer, and feelings such as excellent.