Next thing she knew her head was twisted and she was down on the grass on her front. A rough game – not their thing really. And his breath was in her ear, heavy and wet, and she felt her skirt forced up and the world shift, like when you close one eye and open another. And since then, since Mike had forced himself into her, and she’d heard herself give out a noise of fear and pain like the ones she’d made having Jake, since she realised his hand was around her throat and he wasn’t stopping, he wasn’t going to stop, and that thing was happening to her, the thing all women are afraid of since the moment they first grow breasts, since then, nothing had shifted back again.

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen

‘Say something, darling.’

Cassie was staring at her feet. They were dirty and dry, I noticed, the red nail polish chipped. I should take her for a pedicure. We were in the living room, and Bill had taken Benji to the kitchen. I could hear them discussing fractions, a surreal note of domesticity. It was all the same, except for it was the wrong man. Except for Mike would never be home this early. Seven o’clock being early in his world.

‘So Dad shagged her.’ Her voice was flat. I couldn’t bring myself to censor the swearing. In my own head I’d been swearing ever since I found out.

‘You see, sweetheart, we were all friends at university, and I think they were very close, and it just . . . I supposed it spilled over from time to time.’ That wild look in Karen’s eyes when she talked about it, as if she saw something I could only dream of. As if I’d always been left behind.

‘He shagged her for years. Jake’s eighteen nearly. I bet Dad shagged her at uni too. From then to now. It’s years, Mum.’

‘I don’t know if it was the whole time or . . .’ She silenced me with a glare. Why was I defending them? I didn’t know. ‘Obviously it’s a nasty shock, darling, but I don’t think Daddy knew that Jake . . .’

‘How could he not know? He shags her, she has a baby, there’s no other dad hanging around. Jesus Christ, Mum! How could any of you not know?’

Because we hadn’t wanted to. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t you be sorry. You did nothing, Mum. He’s the one who shagged her then neglected his kid. Jake’s life’s been ruined. He never knew his dad, he had no one, they’re always broke and Karen’s off with different men . . . How do you think he feels?’

‘Jake is a troubled boy, darling. He always has been. You only have to look at what he did to Daddy . . .’