I made an excuse to go out not long after that, uncomfortable with the rawness of feeling in the house, and left Benji watching The Lego Movie while my mother polished glasses that didn’t need it. It was a relief to throw myself into the shopping mall, the blur of faces, the cold sterile air, the tinny inoffensive music. I was queuing in Debenham’s with some modest checked pyjamas for Cassie when I saw them. A family, choosing kids’ clothes. The mother, the father, a baby in a buggy and a little girl of around three. I blinked and it was Julie Dean. I remembered her weeping and bruised in the police station, but here she was glowing with happiness, her laugh high and unfettered as mine hadn’t been in years. The man beside her settled a heavy arm over her shoulder. It was him. The husband, the one who’d attacked the refuge, sending women and kids screaming into the night. Got Julie by her throat against the wall. Brought a knife. He looked like a nice guy. Maybe you never did know.

Julie caught my eye as I looked over, clutching the flannel of Cassie’s pyjamas in my hands, and she turned away, into her husband’s embrace.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Two

Cassie was awake. I could see the peep of blue under her heavy, bruised eyelids, and as I went in, laden with clothes and flowers and treats, anything I could buy her instead of what she needed, she gave me the same look of shame my mother had.

‘Oh darling.’ I went to her, wanting to crush her in my arms, but there were too many tubes. I stroked her greasy hair from her face.

‘Sorry.’ Her voice was small, raspy from the stomach-pumping.

‘It’s alright.’ I wasn’t going to say how scared I’d been, or beg her not to do it again. I needed her to feel safe, not judged and ashamed. I knew now that shame could corrode a life right down to the bones.

‘I was just – I felt so alone. I didn’t know what to do.’

‘Can you tell me what happened? I mean – the night of the party?’ I felt her tense, and knew I’d got it right. It had been there in front of me – Cassie out of the house at night, her strange avoiding behaviour, the abrupt change in how she dressed – but I hadn’t had the space to see it.

She sighed, deeply. ‘Do I have to?’

‘If you do, I might be able to help.’ Though I could hardly promise that when I’d not fixed anything so far, only made it worse. ‘I’ll try at least. And you might feel less alone.’ Another small sigh. ‘Was it something to do with Aaron?’ A tiny nod, her head shifting under my hands. ‘He made you do something?’