After that, Kim tried to change the subject and lighten the mood, but my sour state of mind was already set. She had disturbed me, and I no longer felt comfortable around her. So I couldn’t wait to get to my hotel room and away from her. That was the privilege I would always have in being a single, fatherless, and unattached man. If I wanted to get away, I didn’t owe an explanation to anyone.

Hypocrisy

KIM HAD REALLY caught me off-guard and had destroyed my mood. I didn’t even feel like going to the meet and greet that night. In fact, ever since Corey had brought up my past relationship with Andrea in his visit to Atlanta, the past three weeks of my life had been crazy. So I was sitting up in my room, watching the HBO network on cable, ready to ignore my telephones for the rest of the evening. I figured I would tell everyone that I had gotten sick with a sudden flu bug, and that I had taken a truckload of medicine to sleep it off, just in time for the photo shoot.

“We didn’t have a father either,” I grumbled to myself. I was still thinking about my own connection to family. I figured my mother had a lot to do with making sure no man could stand her enough to stick around and help raise us. I only dealt with my mother because I was used to her. It seemed that my little sister had become just as obnoxious with her first fatherless child on the way.

Do this, do that, do this, do that—that was the problem with women, they all wanted something extra. Come to think about it, so did a lot of men.

“Buddhism,” I thought out loud, “the religion of not wanting. That’s what we all need to study.”

Then again, how could you stop yourself from wanting things? I started thinking about Judi and her abstinence again. I still didn’t know if I could ever do it. America was a twenty-four/seven seduction vehicle.

My cell phone went off, and I had no plans of answering it, but I did peek to see who was calling. I looked at the screen and read Rachel’s 614 area code again.

“What the hell does this girl want?” I asked myself. I had only met her once, and for a mere thirty minutes at that. She wasn’t even my type. Why did I even call her with my number?

I felt like calling her back and letting her know that I had no plans for her. Honesty was the best policy, right? But I seriously saw no use in that. Just continue to ignore the girl. And I did.

They had an original HBO movie on cable, with a white girl who reminded me of Victoria Mason, only Victoria looked twice as good. I became disturbed by that. Of all things to think about, I was up in my hotel room pondering a twenty-four-year-old white girl. I even thought about calling her.