“Neither did I,” she said honestly.

“I’ll stick around long enough for you to find a new nanny.”

She hadn’t considered Meredith’s job yet. “You don’t have to quit.”

“We both know I do.” Meredith tilted her head. “I want you to be happy, and it really fucking hurts to know I’m not the one who can do that. Even so, I’ll cheer for a happy family every time.”

Jax held her hand over her chest. “I do love you, Meredith, and I consider you part of our family.”

“I get it, I do. You and Gretchen are meant to be.”

Meant to be. The concept had become so foreign to Jax over the past two years. “Seventeen years of heartbreak and happiness,” she said, shaking her head at the enormity of it all. “I think we are.”

Several minutes of awkward silence passed. Jax had no idea what else she could say, and Meredith looked like she was on the brink of speaking, but she never let the words loose. “I’m going to get dressed and go,” she finally said.

Their good-bye was sweet. Jax held on to Meredith and breathed her in, taking the last opportunity to soak up the peaceful presence Meredith had been for her during the rockiest months of her life. Meredith held her just as tightly.

“Good-bye, Meredith.” She framed Meredith’s face with her hands and kissed her. When she pulled back, she knew her eyes were as wet as Meredith’s.

Meredith walked out of Jax’s apartment without another word.

Jax went to her bedroom, leaving dinner on the counter. She got undressed slowly, feeling emotionally and physically drained, and she crawled under the covers with a sigh. The silence and darkness of the room felt haunted with a million unexamined thoughts. She grabbed her phone from the nightstand and felt disappointed when no one had messaged her. More specifically, Gretchen. But why would she? Jax opened her messages and started typing before she lost her nerve.

I think we should talk. Not now, I know it’s late, but maybe we can have dinner tomorrow? I should be out of work on time and Caleb can spend the night with Amanda.

She sent the message and placed her phone down on her chest. She knew she was crazy for even thinking this chance would be any different than the many times before, but Jax couldn’t remember one moment of their relationship where she felt completely sane. She had always been crazy for and about Gretchen, and she truly believed the part of Gretchen that had felt the same way was still alive. Her phone buzzed.

There’s nothing to talk about.

Jax pushed aside the sting of rejection and typed quickly.

Have dinner with me. Please.

Jax barely breathed as she waited for Gretchen’s response.

Okay.

She stared at the ceiling, fully accepting sleep would not come easily that night.