Of course five is not so many—not, frankly, as many as I’d feared. I’d had plenty of firsthand experience watching girls throw themselves at Luke, something that unfortunately continued long into our relationship. But at that age, when Luke was only the second boy I’d so much as kissed, five was an army. I began flipping through my mental index of the girls I’d seen him with: the petite girl with the giant tits who did promo for Red Bull, the tall, elegant Rossignol rep in her late twenties who’d come through for the season the year before. Since I didn’t know which of them Luke had actually slept with, I pictured him with all of them. I envisioned them performing impossible sexual pyrotechnics.

I hated the idea of being awkward and fumbling, of being vulnerable. I wanted to be prepared, but I couldn’t exactly get experience ahead of time. Instead, I did research. I tried watching some porn, but even as a virgin I knew that this couldn’t be what real sex looked like: the hair flipping, the squealing, the vociferous enjoyment of giving a blow job. I decided to step it back and just grab a Cosmo. I sneaked it in with my groceries and shuffled off to one of the new grocery clerks who didn’t know me by name. Not only was I buying the girliest magazine in the world, but I was also buying it because I wanted to read the section teased on the cover as “50 Sexy Moves That Will Make Him Your Slave.”

At home, I squirreled it away to my bedroom, as if it were no less illicit than porn, and flipped straight to the dirty stuff.

“Eat him for dessert. Literally, spread your favorite yummy treats like whipped cream and chocolate sauce all over his manhood and chow down!”

That sounded both messy and not nutritionist-approved. Next.

If you’re not in the mood for the whole enchilada, why not give him a mind-blowing hand job? Start by running your index finger up the seam of his member, then trace circles around the head with the tip of your finger going first clockwise, then counterclockwise. Get your other hand in on the action by gripping and twisting the shaft in the opposite direction your finger is moving. Trust us, this will bring new heat to holding hands!