“Oh Blair,” I say, staring down into my lap with my fingertips to my lips. Suddenly, my heart—which I’d already thought was dust—fragments further. What have I lost by being with Luke? I had one chance to choose—but I never knew there was a choice! I always thought both of them were so far out of my league—and I blew it. Like I blew my shot at gold, like I’ve blown everything.

“I’m sorry, Bomber, was I out of line? I’d never want to . . .”

Oh, god, he thinks I didn’t want him to kiss me, when, in fact, I have just realized that I did want him to—despite G, despite Luke, despite everything. Blair is someone I know I love, but in which way and how?

“Oh it’s not that, Blair.” I take his hand and I’m squeezing it so hard, my knuckles are white. “But we can’t. You know we can’t.”

“Why?” he asks gently. “Why not?”

“Because of Luke, for one thing.”

Blair sighs. I’m certain this was the answer he was expecting. In reality, of course, the issue of Luke is only for starters.

“That can’t be the reason.”

“Isn’t there like, some bro code about this?” Everything changed when I got together with Luke, and changed again when we split up. But I’m holding on to the idea that there must be some way to have both of them in my life still. I wish I’d never been with Luke at all, I suddenly realize. People say they don’t want to jeopardize a friendship for romance and it sounds like an excuse, but it isn’t. The trade wasn’t worth it.

“Bro code? What are we, sixteen?”

“You know what I mean, Blair. Don’t pretend this isn’t complicated.”

He groans so heavily it nearly shakes the bed and buries his face in his hands for a moment. He turns back to look at me. “Do you want to know the truth, Katie?” I know he’s serious because he never uses my first name. “Luke probably loved you as much as he could love anyone, but it’s not half of what you deserve. I love my little brother to death, but he’s the most selfish guy on the planet, and you know this. And anyway he’s . . .” Blair catches himself, shakes his head.

“He’s what?” I say, feeling my throat constrict, because I know. Even in the midst of all this, Blair is trying to protect me by not telling me.

“Never mind, it’s not important.”